I think I love my T. I wish she loved me. I think that's a combination of transference and loneliness though.

I have not used the word love to describe how I feel about her. I have said she's important in my life, and I may have said I care about her. I shy away from talking about it much. I feel shame for loving her and for wanting her to love me.

I also know that, at least right now, if she said she loved me (or touched/hugged me), it would freak me out so much I'm not sure I could go back. I have not quite said that to her, but I included in a note I gave her in session once that I both was wanting a hug and aware it would completely freak me out if she were to hug me.