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Old Aug 07, 2019, 08:15 AM
yagr yagr is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: spokane
Posts: 1,459
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
It is great to see you again yagr!
And you Bill, truly. You've given me a good deal to think about, my questions are merely my way of clarifying sticking points - not to argue. More like my way of asking for clarification in a way that allows it to be more clear to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post

In other words: you cannot control that others violate a boundary. However, you can control whether you yourself violate that boundary.
But I can. I'm not saying that it is a healthy choice, but that's what I'm trying to figure out. Going back to the first time a landlord said, "That's why I like talking to you - you get it." I'm connecting with these people in ways they are not used to connecting with clients - or really, and in most cases, their friends.

I was a professional poker player for a quarter of a century. I had a poker school, wrote a successful book on the game - even had my own infomercial because 'you too deserve to be a winning poker player'. The acclaim that I received as well as my success was, in most cases, a result of my ability to read people - and teach others how to do so as well. My success at the tables was frequently a result or mirroring people until it became automatic. It is nearly impossible to effectively read people and not pick up on the things they aren't saying - then to mirror them they end up in an echo chamber, feel a connection to you...whether they should or not.

Never really feeling a social connection with others myself, I used this technique (and continue to do so) to navigate any type of social situation - including interactions with professionals.

Soooo, I assume - since my observations are that this person is not having these types of flexible boundaries with everyone, that I'm inadvertently inviting them to cross a boundary. Not implicitly and not that I'm actually responsible - but that it I changed my behavior - my way of interacting with people, it wouldn't happen. So, not responsible but still can make choices that would prevent it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
This is a great, wonderful gift that your therapist has given you.

Awareness.

Awareness, awareness, awareness!
Absolutely. In fact, after an intermittent life of therapy, this is so different that I feel like I've never actually been in therapy before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Now that you are aware of boundary issues, my suggestion is to notice--just notice, without judging yourself or anyone else--when a boundary issue comes up or a boundary is crossed.

"There it is again."

I myself find this approach to be helpful, in time, in bringing my mind--more or less on its own if you will--to start to change what I think needs to be changed.
I cannot even play devil's advocate with a suggestion to be mindful.
__________________
My gummy-bear died. My unicorn ran away. My imaginary friend got kidnapped. The voices in my head aren't talking to me. Oh no, I'm going sane!
Hugs from:
Bill3
Thanks for this!
Bill3, hvert