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Originally Posted by Bill3
It is great to see you again yagr!
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And you Bill, truly. You've given me a good deal to think about, my questions are merely my way of clarifying sticking points - not to argue. More like my way of asking for clarification in a way that allows it to be more clear to me.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
In other words: you cannot control that others violate a boundary. However, you can control whether you yourself violate that boundary.
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But I can. I'm not saying that it is a healthy choice, but that's what I'm trying to figure out. Going back to the first time a landlord said, "That's why I like talking to you - you get it." I'm connecting with these people in ways they are not used to connecting with clients - or really, and in most cases, their friends.
I was a professional poker player for a quarter of a century. I had a poker school, wrote a successful book on the game - even had my own infomercial because 'you too deserve to be a winning poker player'. The acclaim that I received as well as my success was, in most cases, a result of my ability to read people - and teach others how to do so as well. My success at the tables was frequently a result or mirroring people until it became automatic. It is nearly impossible to effectively read people and not pick up on the things they aren't saying - then to mirror them they end up in an echo chamber, feel a connection to you...whether they should or not.
Never really feeling a social connection with others myself, I used this technique (and continue to do so) to navigate any type of social situation - including interactions with professionals.
Soooo, I assume - since my observations are that this person is not having these types of flexible boundaries with everyone, that I'm inadvertently inviting them to cross a boundary. Not implicitly and not that I'm actually responsible - but that it I changed my behavior - my way of interacting with people, it wouldn't happen. So, not responsible but still can make choices that would prevent it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
This is a great, wonderful gift that your therapist has given you.
Awareness.
Awareness, awareness, awareness!
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Absolutely. In fact, after an intermittent life of therapy, this is so different that I feel like I've never actually been in therapy before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
Now that you are aware of boundary issues, my suggestion is to notice--just notice, without judging yourself or anyone else--when a boundary issue comes up or a boundary is crossed.
"There it is again."
I myself find this approach to be helpful, in time, in bringing my mind--more or less on its own if you will--to start to change what I think needs to be changed.
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I cannot even play devil's advocate with a suggestion to be mindful.