Hi, everyone. I am new to the threads but I have recently embarked on my own mental health journey using therapy and I like to idea of being a part of community who understands mental health.

So, here is my current dilemma. I am a 23 gay man. I am in my first ever relationship with my boyfriend who recently turned 31. We met at the beginning of last year after we both were just looking for friends. We quickly hit it off, and our feelings developed very fast. It felt like I found the man of my dreams, my other half — my best friend who I have so much in common with. He is such a southern gentleman, going the extra mile to show how much he adores me. Planning dates, touching me, kissing me, holding my hand, calling me and sending me sweet texts.

He was married to his high-school girlfriend for basically all of his 20’s but eventually divorced her due to his sexuality and they remain good friends. He dated a truly evil man after her and needless to say he didn’t give himself time to heal before meeting me. We moved in together almost immediately, then moved into a place with my sister and her wife and that was when things got dark. We were at war with them all the time and it damaged my sister and my relationship. This went on for a year. Where we basically stayed in our room all the time. His depression got really bad and we argued a lot because my anxiety made me feel insecure a lot. I argued with him about little things all the time and got my feelings hurt easily. Toward the end of that year he made comments about how he thinks us living in different places but still being together would be good for his depression. I told him I don’t think I could maintain my feelings for him if we weren’t together for a long time. He said he feels like that would only mean we weren’t meant to be. I tried hard to “fix” him. I have showered him with gifts, constantly complimented him and told him I think he should go to therapy like I am doing now. He has began making jokes about us breaking up, him running away to another state (we hate Florida and both want to move to the mountains where he’s from). He overall just seems like a different person as his depression has progressed. To make matters worse I have started having panic attacks again and have developed a phobia I’m in therapy for.

We both talked about moving in with just us and how great it’d be, but he has flip flopped a lot. Finally he reconnected with his best friend and we decided to all move in together since they want to start a business together.

We just moved in, agreeing we’ll do one more year in Florida and then move out of state. She’s very lonely and codependent and I get super jealous because they spent more time together than we do. He and I have been arguing a lot and the more I express how much I miss romance and affection the more he pushes me away. He went from calling me all the time and texting me all the time to spending all day with her (they work from home) and only calling me like once. He says he’s truly feeling better having his friend there for him because they have a more similar communication style. And when I express my insecurity he says I’m selfish and if I love him I should be happy he’s finding something to be happy about...even if it’s not spending time with me right now.

Overall, I just feel like this sweet, hopeless romantic I fell in love with is being stolen from me and basically is being brainwashed by his own depression to think I don’t care about his well-being.

I accept I am very codependent. He tells me he just wants me to work on myself. He also thinks I need to work on being less possessive and controlling. I understand I’m clingy and I need to focus on my own mental health. That’s why I’m in therapy. But I really could use his love and affection right now. He just doesn’t seem able to give it to me unless it’s in small doses. He truly does try to support me, doesn’t make me feel bad for my anxiety and says he just needs me to do the same—even if that means giving him space. It’s just so hard and it hurts. I feel like I’m being gaslighted. Like, he and I were inseparable and out of nowhere I’m supposed to get over it if he literally just treats me like a friend. Sex has always been an issue because he doesn’t do it as much as I want but this is even worse. We never kiss, hug, or anything unless I initiate it.

I have asked family and friends for advice but they always take my side and I fear they’re enabling my anxiety and irrational thoughts. So I really would love a balanced perspective, especially from those with depression or anxiety.

I fear I’m going to lose him. I am still so in love with him. And I believe he still loves me. I am just tired of being a battle in his life. I want to be a source of happiness again. Should I disregard my insecurities and trust him for sake of the bigger picture?

Thanks.