Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets
There are many layers to this. Depression is a very self centered place to be. I say that from experience and I do not mean selfish or anything ego wise. You are hyperfocused on your despair and tune anything uncomfortable out. Then he starts to be with his friend again and feels happiness so he wants to cling onto it no matter what it costs. My FIL has a saying: "Theres no room for two families under one roof." I think that applies to typical families, to couples, to couples with roommates. You are right to want to be a united couple and you are not wrong to want love attention an affection. No, I do not think it is ok for him to spend all day with the friend and then ignore you or distance himself from you. He is not dating his friend, he is dating you. As a couple the only way to keep growing and moving along in the long term is for you to have quality time together and physical affection as well as emotional connections. You are not getting that now.
Personally I would tell him that the friend either needs to move out, get a job or something to do outside of the home; and that he needs to put effort into the relationship-effort that is consistent. I fear your heartbreak with continue if he doesnt change.
You have to accept that you ultimately can not control him and prepare yourself for breaking up. If he truly sees nothing wrong with this scenario you have to decide how much pain and resentment you are willing to put up with.
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I should also clarify that it’s not as if my feelings are always correct. He does still try. He still calls me every morning to make sure I’m awake for work and tell me he loves me. We went out two days ago with his friend but he kissed me and told me he loved me and touched my butt throughout the day. Lol And when they went out shopping while I was at work he bought me some stuff and was super excited to show me.
I think it’s just that he’s still just depressed and also mad at me at our recent arguments. I said some hurtful things to him when we were arguing the other day and it always takes him longer to heal when I say something hurtful. He fought with his friend and they didn’t speak for a week two weeks ago. So it’s definitely just how he (and she) think. They share that sort of stoic attitude. He says I don’t let him have space when he’s mad at me. So I’m really just struggling on what to do. Should I surprise him and not react? Just be positive?
It’s so hard to paint an accurate picture of the passed 1 and a half years of our relationship in one thread. It’s so nuanced. I mostly just want to know how I deal with someone with depression and how I can know things will get better?
I am thinking of writing down questions I have for him and asking them to him tonight. Instead of accusing and worrying I’ll just ask him to answer the worries/questions I have.