I recently developed a rare phobia that has brought me to nearly being suicidal. Over the last two months I’ve been struck with a terrible, persistent fear of choking or food going down the wrong pipe. If you would have asked me three months ago if I thought I’d ever have this fear I would have laughed. I have struggled with my weight and overeating my entire life. I have always been a little “chubby” since the age of 10. I am a fast eater and was always the first one to finish their food. I adore culinary arts and cooking. My kitchen is full of spices and cook books and the first thing I have always asked my boyfriend when I get home is “Are you hungry?” Like, I can’t stress enough how out of character it is for me to have this phobia right now. I adore food. I love cooking and bringing people together and right now I can’t do that. Even thinking about restaurants makes me so sad.

Sadly, I feel I’m losing a huge part of myself. That’s also not a pun about the weight loss. I mostly persist on protein shakes and smoothies now. I hate sweets and I desperately want a slice of pizza or a sandwich. I feel nauseas downing these sweet meal replacement drinks every time I know I have to eat. The worries about what my life will be like are constant. I worry my boyfriend will leave me because of this even though he supports me. I beat myself up every time I see him going out to eat with other people and I can’t go. I have actually cried from the panic attacks I’m having lately and I’m not a crier. Over all, I feel weak, ashamed, hopeless and utterly terrified about the future. I feel alone and completely isolated. People at work are complimenting me for being leaner now and I pretend I’m just eating “healthy”. And I hate that I hate going out to eat now because it was always my favorite thing to do.

On the other side, I am making progress slowly. I am in a much better place than I was a month ago. I’m in therapy and spending all my money on the best therapist I could find. We’re only two session in but I start EMDR treatment next week. She’s really given me hope and helped me realize I created this fear and I can get over it. But it still bums me out when the dark thoughts visit me and say “You are so weird. This is why no one wants you. You can’t even go to dinner.” I have HUGE dreams and goals and I worry if I can’t even eat how I’ll do any of that. But I know worrying about the future is pointless and harmful.

I am in a stronger place and ignoring my intrusive thoughts. I do believe I will overcome this and I even believe I’ll overcome it soon. I know my anxiety is just lying to me. But I admit not feeling crazy feels really nice at this time in my life. I was curious if anyone could share success stories with getting over their phobia or especially this one. Tips on fast recovery would also be nice. I am just tired of focusing on worries and I think I could really use some inspiration.

Sadly, there’s no support or even that much information about this issue online so it’s hard to find people who have beat this.