Thank you all for your kind words!

Sorry for the confusing text: I wrote it wrongly (sleeping during English lessons definitely wasn't a good idea). I've already met a psychiatrist. I've met him three times. But I regret it. Maybe. I'm not sure.

He prescribed me antidepressants at first because I was depressed. Then I developed a mixed state (maybe because of the antidepressants, but I'm not sure) so I got antipsychotics but I'm quite afraid of it and don't really want to take it... I know it's stupid. But I never wanted to take any medication and I feel like it's a proof that I'm not strong enough to solve my problems by myself.

I just have really hard time accepting my diagnosis. My sister thinks I'm faking it. I somethimes also think that it can't be true. That I must have made it up. People tell me that I don't need treatment: I just need to live my life. Something in my head tells me the same. It would be better if I carried on pretending everything is okay. I did it four years and got really used to denying my problems. I lied to myself.

Sorry for another confusing text. Too much things are crossing my mind and I'm exhausted right now. And sorry for my English.