We expect our parents to be supportive and loving. When they are not, it hurts. A lot. Love and punishments cannot go hand by hand. To me his punishments to me, criticism, yelling ... define our relationships. Nothing else. I don't believe when he says he loves me or cares about me. How could I and he wished me once to die because I wasn't like what he wants me to be?

My father has always assumed I am in the wrong. He has never defended me. He is willing to take others' words on me over listening to me. The feeling of guilt is killing me, though. I am angry, I am the one who is hurt from it. If I direct it towards him I feel guilty and depressed, if I keep it to myself I feel depressed, too. I wish things were easier.

Anyway, I ended up sending him a message saying I didn't mean to snap at him like that, but I was upset because the interview didn't go well, which is partially true. I was also upset from his messages and questions and not keeping a clear boundary with me, and not trusting me what what I want to share with him.

I guess he will never change. I am just trying not to live the rest of my life in guilt.