Quote:
Originally Posted by Desoxyn
I'm very hard on myself. Ofthevalley made me realize that. Like what I do, I can do better. Like things I do aren't good enough. The best people are like that tho..
But I need to find balance. I feel so tired right now. I want to learn about buddhism and philosophy.
I wish I had more energy so I could do more. Like being more curious about information. But I'm at peace knowing the truth to reality. I don't want to be at peace. I need to try new things and deal with my emotions and thoughts in healthy ways, learn, grow, rebuild myself.
I can't talk but I can write. I'd like to update my blog to recovery from negative symptoms of schizophrenia. Like.. If I can beat it.. Overcome one of the hardest struggles of lack of motivation from a real illness related to that that no one seems to understand or even cares enough about to treat or research.
To become more creative and just a better person in general. Comparing myself to who I was yesterday instead of other people. That type of thing..
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I hear you about motivation and learning philosophy. You might like Boethius who wrote a book called The Consolation of Philosophy. It's old school though. Maybe you could do what I do and have a job where you can listen to audiobooks, podcasts, lectures, and songs while at work. Something that keeps your body busy, but like in a meditative state of mind where you can listen well. It's the environment where I listened to upward of up a thousand lectures, way better than a university lecture, although, philosophy in the classroom taught me how to writer better.
Having a job for me has brought structure to my life that I found I needed. It forces me to get up in the morning and feel the pull to be productive so that I can pay rent, car repairs (which are the WORST), and pay for food. My roommates brother now lives with us and he has a phd but he wont work, he sounds mentally healthy and lucid.
Are you able to feel negative emotions like when you feel like you've let someone down? When I emotionally completely flat I didn't give a **** about work, I had to fight for my negative emotions so that I could get the anxiety to get up in the morning to help my boss and co workers.
My boss is cool to let me have a few beers at lunch, it's the only thing that allows me to feel any positive emotion, although, Seroquel greatly diminished that to next to nothing, but alcohol still helps. I know it's horrible to say that... I only drink at lunch, and when I write, but that's what an alcoholic would say, sooo… I guess of the shoe fits. I don't drink in the morning or evening though.
If you need a lecture, podcast, or book recommendation @ me and I'll point you to aa direction, brother. You're family man.