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Originally Posted by Day Tripper
I hear you about motivation and learning philosophy. You might like Boethius who wrote a book called The Consolation of Philosophy. It's old school though. Maybe you could do what I do and have a job where you can listen to audiobooks, podcasts, lectures, and songs while at work. Something that keeps your body busy, but like in a meditative state of mind where you can listen well. It's the environment where I listened to upward of up a thousand lectures, way better than a university lecture, although, philosophy in the classroom taught me how to writer better.
Having a job for me has brought structure to my life that I found I needed. It forces me to get up in the morning and feel the pull to be productive so that I can pay rent, car repairs (which are the WORST), and pay for food. My roommates brother now lives with us and he has a phd but he wont work, he sounds mentally healthy and lucid.
Are you able to feel negative emotions like when you feel like you've let someone down? When I emotionally completely flat I didn't give a **** about work, I had to fight for my negative emotions so that I could get the anxiety to get up in the morning to help my boss and co workers.
My boss is cool to let me have a few beers at lunch, it's the only thing that allows me to feel any positive emotion, although, Seroquel greatly diminished that to next to nothing, but alcohol still helps. I know it's horrible to say that... I only drink at lunch, and when I write, but that's what an alcoholic would say, sooo… I guess of the shoe fits. I don't drink in the morning or evening though.
If you need a lecture, podcast, or book recommendation @ me and I'll point you to aa direction, brother. You're family man.
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Yeah I might just do that. To get a job where I can listen to podcasts because money is a motivator where I can get up every day and have something to do. I don't get up early usually but I did today so I could go mountain biking through the trails. I don't have much to worry about because my disability check is 1700 dollars a month. I feel like I take not working for granted but I know that I have to improve myself because I feel bad in a way where other people are working.
I never felt bad for not wanting to work when I had anhedonia. I wasn't on disability yet and just quit cuz I wanted to slit my neck in the washroom and my coworkers were assholes. One kept making fun of me because I never smiled. I didn't know why I didn't smile. Then when I was working in retail, a coworker grilled me because he said that I wasn't showing enthusiasm for the job. He HAS to work because he has kids and was like my age. Like it's not my fault that I'm not happy working because I have to take care of only my suicidal self.
I feel bad now when I don't go to work and someone else has to cover my shift. That's why I don't want that responsibility. I want to work in my own time like how I'm not a machine and would rather live with a tribe in the jungle. If I was born in the amazon, I'd say my positive symptoms would make me a healer and I'd do ayahuasca. I see no difference in how schizophrenia is treated in the west compared to the east. All we do in the west is prescribe drugs that make us tired and boring zombies. Unless my positive symptoms were so severe that I'd be a crazy person that can't function in poverty and magic governed societies, then drugs that do the opposite of psychedelics would be ok. All paranormal activity has happened on psychedelics.. afterlife, astral projection, talking to the dead, etc..
But anyways.. Be careful with the booooze! Alan Watts died of liver failure from drinking. But he was a great talker.. philospher.. Idk how he did it and how alcohol could have been beneficial.. but I suppose it can induce deep thinking.. like with my dad.. And not just LSD or weed etc..
I'm able to smoke weed now and I know you don't like it because it makes you think TOO deep. But I believe it can be used as an intellectual and creative aid for writing.. then you don't smoke when you're not doing work..
I'll look up some inspirational people, books and podcasts and get my thoughts and notes organized and then I'll ask you for recommendations. I just find it weird to look up philosophers from the renaissance because I've never done that before. It's like history. I only started being interested in it now. My negative symptoms have gotten better enough for me to realize my potential yet not enough to do anything about it and move forward.