I think maybe have an honest discussion with your doctor about your feelings regarding your meds, maybe you two can come up with some resolution or compromise about what to do.

Messing with my meds always screws me up. Especially when I mess with my APs, sleep becomes practically non existent. It's hard to see it at the time but things can escalate fast. After many times doing that I've finally learned not to mess with them, and if I want or need a change for some reason then I consult my psychiatrist first. Since taking my meds regularly I've been more stable than I've ever was.