Hi,

I'm a 46 year old male from the Netherlands. I'm pondering about something that has been bothering me for a long time.

First a bit of background: I was raised by a foster mom after my biological mother died when I was 11 months. My biological father remarried, his new wife didn't want kids so i had to go. I had sparce contact with my father since I can remember. After this, first raised by an aunt for 1.5 year, she couldn't handle me, then to my foster mother at age 3. She was not the kind of person that should have raised any children above the age of 10, in my opinion. Harsh and callous, not bright, not a warm mother. So from an early age, I was a loner, not many friend (still don't). My foster mum had great fun calling me a *****, fag and would often tell me no-one would want me. So not a lot of selfasteem.

Throughout my childhood I prevered the company of other boys. Girls never payed much attention to me. I always had the idea that I would have to be gay to find someone to love me.

Now it's college time, I moved to a student flat at 23. Made some friends.

Throughout my life there we're, as far as i can remember, 2 instances were i wanted to kiss another man. This happened uncounsciously, my head started moving towards his. Wat the hell is this I thought to myself and stopped myself. To me this felt more like affection, like friendship, instead of sexuality.

Is this because I feel so lonely and detached? There was one girl that 'presented' herself to me, coming to my room for a chat, dressed in her sleeping gear, panties and t-shirt. Very sexy indeed, my conscious mind wanted to make a move, but a cripling fear had a hold on me.

2 years latter at 26 I was in a pub, had gained some selfesteem, met a girl, our eyes locked. Bam! What is this, i thought, I dont know this feeling, we chatted all night, the next day we went out, and I slept at her place.

I felt arrousal, but that fear was back again (no erection), the next time, that fear again, until she carresed my cheek and told me i was sweet. The fear went down the drain and i was able to perform. I never felt so close to anyone. In my mind as well. I remember a few month later walking to the supermarket, having a feeling I had never felt before. Then i realised that it was happiness. Wow, what a great feeling! Utter contentment and confidence in the future.

Our relationship was tumultuous (she had weight issues, that she made everyone's problem including her parents). And she always seemed to keep an emotional distance. But the first 3 to 4 years were great, we moved in together. 8 years later, she came out a lesbian. This I did not expect.
She moved out, not wanting anymore contact with me. She married a woman, having never wanted to marry me although I had asked her 3 times.

Back is the fear of being gay, also because she turned out gay. Is 'God' or 'The universe' sending me a message? Am i desperately trying not to be gay? The thing is, other than the times i instictively wanted to kiss a guy (which does ont feel sexual to me), I cannot get arroused by fantasising about sex with a man, at all. The thought of sex with a man, well, does not appeal to me. I can get arroused just fine fantasising about women/girls. When I do this and then try to amagine a man there, 'it' goes limp. I also do not find the male form appealing.

But what then of the 2 times I wanted to kiss a man? Never had that like that (uncounsciously, like described above) with a woman/girl. It's i always like I have to put out an 'effort' to get close to women.

I have gone to sexworkers (don't judge me!), and that was pleasant. But does offcourse not fullfill me emmotionaly, but does 'take the edge off'. Trying to hit on woman is something that is not a pleasant thing for me. Anxiety, the women I find attractive don't want anything to do with me. Then that Thought again, am I supposed to be gay?

Wat doensn't help is that I had gotten 'remarks' by people in the past, even an occasional collegue about being gay. I have very soft facial features and manners.

It is now 12 year after that relationship ended, I am still alone (nothing happened in that time, other than some sexworkers) and am severelly overweight, which i trying to fix.

Any ideas anyone?

Regards,
Doremi72