Hello Doremi: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not sure what to tell you about what you've described. I'm a 71 year old man who has had a life-long struggle with gender dysphoria. And the one thing I think I know is that anything related to sexual orientation (or gender identity) can be extremely confusing. So I always think the best advice is to suggest a person find a therapist who is experienced in working with clients who have sexual orientation (or gender identity) issues.

One thing I think is important to take into consideration is that sexual orientation is thought of differently nowadays than it used to be. Way back when I was young, there were boys & there were girls (& when they grew up they married each other.) And if you didn't happen to fit neatly into one of those 2 binaries you darned well kept it to yourself if you knew what was good for you. Nowadays we think of sexual orientation (as well as gender identity) as being more of a continuum with 100% straight versus gay (or male versus female) as being the polar opposites. However the reality is that most of us fall somewhere in between. And so there can be lots of different sexual orientations. (Or there can be none if a person is asexual.) Hence all of the different "labels" (most of which I don't fully understand) people use to identify their own orientation.

So the reality may be you're mostly heterosexual. But there may also be a part of you that could also encompass a gay relationship as well. Perhaps that has something to do with your upbringing... perhaps not. But sorting what may have caused you to feel the way you do, & what that means going forward, is something best delved into with the help of a skilled therapist, I would suggest. It's not to my mind something any of us, here on PC, are going to be able to really provide much insight into although we're certainly glad to have you here & to try to be supportive.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some perhaps more insightful perspectives they can share. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.