Thanks for sharing your frustration. And a belated congratulations on your windfall. I don't know as I have any useful advice to offer you. However here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, that perhaps may be of some help or at least interest:

6 Steps to Start 'Living Big' and Creating Your Best Life

So, You're Lost? The Advice You'd Never Expect

Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

Where to Go When You Don't Know Where to Go | Mentoring and Recovery