I have been in therapy for over a year now. We have been going over my history for the most part it is a long convoluted story. So far therapy has helped me get more in touch with my feelings. When I first started I was so numb. All I was was numbness and loneliness and I was losing my ability to think because I was so isolated. I could hardly string a sentence together. He does his best to work on my self-esteem but I am very resistant to that kind of stuff. I have never been successful at anything and I really just feel so inadequate in life. Like I try to look forward and try to imagine some way that I can integrate into the world, that I can get along with people, that I can be successful in school, that I can stand working a job and doing the same thing everyday. I've had like 30 jobs in my life. I've seen it all and I didn't like what I saw.

At the moment I have this freedom and I just don't know if I can push myself to rejoin the cold Dark World of the zombie working force. If I am to avoid that fate I have to get an education. But college is like this brick wall in front of me. It's so daunting to think about starting. I don't think I'll even be accepted into a college my high school transcript is hilarious. Even if I did get into a college I just can't imagine being persistent enough and even smart enough to be successful.

I did try College once many years ago during a peak time in my life when I did have confidence. People led me to believe that if I just believed in myself and worked hard I would make it. Well I crashed and burned. And that led me to years and years of pain and poverty.

I do read a lot though. I love to learn. I just hate school. That's why I hired a math tutor because I can learn at my own pace. And there is no pressure If I fail then all I lost was the fee that I paid him. there's no school record I have to worry about, no curriculum that I have to try to follow. I don't even have to leave my house we meet via video calls. I still feel like I'm wasting my time though I guess it's good in general to know math and I really don't so it's a skill I need to acquire, but then what? Do I walk into a business and say hi I know math hire me. No I still have to go to school and get a degree, it just seems impossible and it makes me feel pathetic that it seems so impossible to me. Other people can just walk into school and do great and defy the odds I'm just not one of these people.

I am suicidal I'm trying to find a reason to live. Life feels empty and meaningless and I just don't feel like I can do anything with it why keep existing just to stare at walls and read books and do math work once in awhile?