OK, here's the very long session update (I even left a couple things out!):
T Wednesday. A thunderstorm was brewing outside, which seemed fitting. I walked back and he asked if I wanted to pay first (we'd discussed that Monday). I said yes. T said this could be awkward because we'd have to discuss email charges, but I said I'd rather do that now than at the end. I bargained him down on price (to the same hourly rate as the reduced rate I pay for sessions). Paid, then sat down.

T: "So have you thought about what you want to start with?" Me: "First, I read through the email I sent you again, and I feel bad about some of what I said, that I was kind of harsh." (I started crying.) Me: "So I'm sorry about that. And then I wondered if I felt bad, was it OK to still be angry and hurt by your response? I'd asked my friend, and she said I could feel both remorse and anger at the same time. So, that's what I feel, I guess." T: "OK."

I said the other thing I was thinking was that this wasn't just about the standing or what he said at the end of session. That I'd mentioned that in the email and wanting his help to figure out what it was really about, but that he'd seemed to just ignore that part. T: "Well, most of your email was about the standing, so it seemed that it was really about that. So that's what I responded to." Me: "I guess your email just seemed it was a lot about you, not me, like how you handle other people. And it also just seemed really harsh."

I forget which comment it was on, but I said something, and there was an immediate rumble of thunder after. Me: "Well that seemed kind of ominous." T: "Or the thunder was agreeing with you." We both kind of laughed and it helped break the ice a bit, I think.

Me: "If you had said in session what you did in the email, that you had personal reasons for not standing and they weren't related to me, I'd have felt better about it. But instead, you were just like, 'Then I'd have to stand up and sit down. Well, I'm not changing my routine.' I guess it wasn't quite in that tone..." T said I was putting a spin on what he said, or something like that. T: "It's really more about my setting boundaries. I don't want to do something just because you asked me to. It felt like you were trying to control me. The email felt like that, too."

Me (sobbing): "But my aim wasn't to control you at all. I was just trying to ask for something I needed, or, really, something I wanted. It's very difficult for me to do that. And then I just felt shamed and scolded for doing so." T (caring voice): "I'm sorry you felt that way." Me: "And now I worry that anything I ask you for...you're going to say I'm micromanaging you, that I'm trying to control you..." I forget what he said there.

I said how I thought maybe this was transference, replaying something from my past. That I know he doesn't generally work that way, but I hoped he could help me figure it out. T said how his first thought with things like this is that they *are* about him. And that's the sense he got from my email. He wondered if it was about his being away. T: "I've been away 2 of the last 6 weeks. You may feel upset that I've taken your therapy away from you, and you have every right to feel that." Me: "Yeah,..I may have been reacting to that partly." T: "I wondered if you were trying to take back some control, in a sense. Because you felt you didn't have it with my leaving."

Me: "I think part of it was, in Monday's session, you just seemed really distant. I wanted to connect to you, but it seemed like you were resisting it. I mean, I know you were just back from vacation." T: "I may not have been at my best Monday." Me: "I know it's not fair to always expect you to be at your best. But it just felt like you were being defensive or something. And so I think maybe I became more desperate almost, like I thought the standing thing would be an easy thing to resolve and then it just wasn't. And I felt really hurt by it, so my email was kind of lashing out. I know it's not the best way to deal with things, but when I'm hurt, that's sometimes what happens, like I'm an animal or something...And I'm sorry about that." T said it was OK. Me: "But then it felt like you lashed back, too." I think he apologized there?

I said how sometimes it feels like I'm just trying to get a feeling of caring from him, that I know he cares, but he's not that demonstrative with it. So then I get a bit of it, but it only lasts so long, so I want more. And it's really difficult. And I wanted to learn how to hold onto the caring, whether from him or from anyone, which he agreed is a good goal, "but not something that can be solved in one sentence."

T: "I know this language has caused issues with you in the past, but I care very much about your well-being and your success." I said my issue before is that he said that (I think without the "very much") but was unwilling to say "I care about you." T: "I'm saying it that way because it's a professional relationship. I mean, you're not my friend." Me: "I know, but I think of, 'I care about you' for anyone, whether coworker, family member, friend. And what you say about me sounds like less caring." T: "It's not about the amount of caring at all. It's just the type." Me: "OK." He said the way I care about my D is likely different from how I care about anyone else. Same for H. Or my mom. I said that made sense, that I guess his brain categorizes things differently than mine.

He said (referencing his backup, who'd touched my back when I left the week before) that he's never going to pat me on the back or hug me. Me: "I know, and I accept that." He said how some T's do use touch more. I said that ex-MC didn't aside from shaking hands, but he was more demonstrative verbally. T said he also disclosed a lot about himself, unlike him. I said that Ex-MC made lots of disclosures about his life but not of how he felt in reaction to me. That T shares much more about his thought process and how he handles therapy with me.

T said something interesting. He said he knows I'll wonder what's going on in his head, so he tries to tell me, so that I don't have to wonder or so that I don't assume wrong. I asked if that meant he did that more with me than other clients, and he said yes, that he mainly just does that with me. And he hopes I can take that to other areas of my life, where instead of assuming what someone is thinking, I'd ask them. He said he also tries not to disclose much about himself personally to me, because I'm like "a magnet" for that information and trying to figure him out. And he's trying to keep all the focus on me, not him.

Somewhere in there, he also said that he'd charged me for 15 minutes of email time, but in reality, he spent like 90 minutes on it. That he was doing other stuff for some of the time, but he put a lot of thought into it, and that he tends to do that for emails to me, to consider how I'll react to them. (Note that he didn't say it in a "you should be grateful for all the time I spend" way, but more like he was letting me know how much consideration he does put into my therapy.) Which (he didn't say this) also shows his caring.

T said he got the sense from one of my emails that I was thinking of terminating--did I still feel that way? Me: "I don't know...it's helped to talk this through. But I feel like we keep having these conflicts, and I worry we'll just keep having them. I feel you've really helped me in some ways, and I like working with you, but then I wonder if you're the right T for me?" T: "I don't think I'm the right person to answer that. And I just want what's best for you." Me: "I know...it's like I have these doubts, but then there's this other part of me that feels I need to work this through with you, that you can really help me."

T asked what I had doubts about, and I said how many people say I need someone more psychodynamic or humanistic. Or maybe someone more touchy-feely, I don't know. He said he wondered whether that would necessarily be good for me. I said I wondered the same thing, like maybe it's what I want vs. what I need. That I seem to be making progress with him.

Me: "But one of my friends said, reacting to your email, that she hated to say this, but maybe you're tired of me. And I really wondered if that was true, because I see where you could be, that I can probably be very frustrating client." T (caring voice): "Oh my goodness..." Me: "I mean, you could get rid of me if you really wanted to." T: "Move offices and leave no forwarding address? That would be kind of harsh." Me: "Yeah, I'm sure you could find other ways." The way he smiled and looked at me during that exchange made it feel like he definitely wasn't trying to get rid of me. Honestly, I felt a sort of...fondness from him is the best way I can describe it.

I said I knew we had to stop. He confirmed that we'd scheduled, then (because I'd paid at beginning) he stood up, walked over to the door, and opened it. He remained standing when he held out his hand. We shook hands as he said "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too." T: "Be well." Me: "You, too." It felt...nice.