I think I tested the therapist in a way that there wasn't a "right" response she could give me.

I had a session yesterday. I've been dealing with some trauma bs that has been bothering me. Nightmares and stuff. I have been very resistant to sharing stuff about that with the therapist - partially for the same reasons that I guess many people avoid talking about trauma, and partially because of my irrational paranoia that she will laugh and mock me. Anyway, for some reason, I decided to disclose a bit yesterday.

The issue is the timing, and that's what makes me most suspicious about why I chose yesterday to spontaneously bring up trauma stuff. See, the therapist is going to be out all next week. And she's not the type to encourage out of session contact even when she's working, let alone when she's on vacation.

If she weren't on vacation, I would feel less inhibited about shooting off an angry text or two to relieve my feelings of anxiety and vulnerability, not to mention the transient paranoia about her laughing. She doesn't really like it when I text her, but she tolerates it. She doesn't do email.

That leaves me feeling angry and impotent. I went and told her stuff, now I feel vulnerable, and she's off gallivanting on her vacation and laughing at my trauma - and I can't even exorcise my outrage at her perfidy by sending an angry text.

Yet if the therapist had stopped me from talking about trauma because she was about to go on vacation, that also would have outraged me. After all, she's said it might help to talk about things, how dare she reject my hard won trust when I at last decided to talk about something?

So, I think I set the therapist up, but that hasn't stopped me from being angry.

I was also annoyed because she said see you in a week on my way out. When she takes a week off, that means it is actually two weeks between appointments (unless I steal C's, then it will be 1.5). But I chose to bite back my angry retort.