I'm unclear as to why you say my T keeps persuading me to come back. This time, for example, when I questioned if he's the right T for me, he said he wasn't the person to answer that question. And that he just wants what's best for me. The stuff about whether I'd be better off with a warm/fuzzy T--that's come up time and time again. And much of it is me saying that part of me wants that, but part knows that it might not be best for me in the long run. So he tends to just agree with that. In part because he knows what happened with ex-MC. And T has said multiple times that he's completely fine with my seeking consultation, and if I want to see another T for some stretch of time, I'm always welcome to come back to him.

Ex-MC, on the other hand, did try to keep me/us seeing him after the rupture (which we did for a bit). He was saying how I needed to work things through with him. And at one point (may have been before that) suggested that if I didn't work through the transference with him that it would just happen again, like I was doomed. He also said that I should work through stuff with ex-T (after I'd switched to current T), to work through the negative maternal transference with her, even though she'd showed no interest in working through it. Even in the session where I said I wanted to terminate, he was all, "You don't have to decide now, we can keep the door open and you can come back in a month or two," and I was like, "No, I need to close the door."

As for crying, I wasn't really allowed to cry as a child, was punished for it at times and expected to keep my emotions--sadness, anger, etc.--inside. So the fact that I can express them to T is saying something. And I'm able to express anger and hurt toward him like I have to no one else. That contributes to why I want to keep working with him, because I can let those emotions out there. I know you may be reading my writeup and thinking "But she's not really letting them out" or "She still seems afraid of expressing herself." But for me...that's progress. Trust me. And I'm doing that more in my outside life, too. To the level that a few people have commented on how I've changed. So I feel this T is helping me. Because I can look at how I was 2 years ago vs. now, and it's a big difference. I still have a ways to go, but I'm moving in the right direction (taking steps back along the way, but who doesn't?)

I know it's easy to want to compare him to ex-MC, but they're so different in how they approach therapy and boundaries. And the relationships are very different. H also sees a big difference in how I react to/relate to them and how I talk about them. I know i defended ex-MC for a long time, but I realize now what was going on there, with his wildly inconsistent boundaries (including his acceptance of all kinds of things I said and did). If nothing else, T has his boundaries, and he holds to certain things, no matter how much I push up against them. And I think that's exactly what I need, even if it doesn't feel good sometimes.