Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays
On the topic of control... When the therapist has described my actions as being controlling, I think my motivation has been anxiety and even fear. The person that I am trying to control is doing something that feels threatening to me, so I try to control them to mitigate the threat. Not saying that is a justification, but it tends to be what is at the root of my controlling behaviors. For example, when I first started working with the therapist, I felt threatened by her classification of some stuff that had happened to me as abuse. I demanded that she retract this opinion and admit she was wrong or not only would I not come back, but I wouldn't let C come back, either.
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Thanks for sharing this. Yes, I definitely think my requests were coming from a place of anxiety and fear. I think T was accurate in saying some of it was set off by his being away. He'll also be away at the end of this month for a bit. I think in a way, his generally being so honest with me (like about if something I say/do bothers him), is really scary to me. Because I'm not used to that from people in my life, who tend to hide away their feelings either for good or until they explode. I'm not used to being informed that something I said/did bothered someone--and that the relationship is still OK. To me, someone being upset with me feels like--OK, I've messed up, now time for the abandonment.
I don't think I included this in the writeup, but there was something I mentioned where I was like, "And I was scared you were going to scold me about this." And I realized that the word "scold" is such a child thing--and mentioned that. But it's just the fear that if someone is upset with me, that it's the end of the world. T is helping me see that I can do things that bother him, but it's OK. (Ex-MC tried to teach me that with H, but it didn't seem to stick.) I think going through this relationship with him is teaching me more than any warm/fuzzy therapist could. More painful in short term, but better in long term (I hope!)