My whole life I’ve always felt like I should care more in life. Whether it be my health, studying, work, or even for those around me. I have emotions; sometimes. But they always felt shallow. Sometimes I feel like my reactions are based what is expected of me by others. Kind of like “oh that child is starving in some far off country. I guess I should feel upset” so I’ll voice those emotions. But in reality I don’t find myself particularly caring about said starving child. This lack of caring is just but one of the mental states that confuse me

The next would be shallow emotions. It’s always felt like my emotions aren’t as strong as they should be. I’ve felt good about things but never happy or joyful. I don’t get excited about stuff. I don’t particularly get upset either. I may get frustrated with my wife, job, money, etc...

Third is my attention. It’s always lacking. I zone out very easy and only things that I’m interested in can keep my attention for any amount of time. Obviously this has made school a issue for me. But thankfully I’m done with school.

Fourth is the lack of sincerity when I voice my opinion. It’s like I’m just voicing the opinion that society would deem as correct. Like I really don’t have an opinion of my own.

Fifth, is violence. I’m not a violent person unless pushed. Then I black out and generally overreact. But I find virtually nothing to get angry about. I’ve always had a shrug it off mentality and I never hold grudges. However my mind is incredibly violent. I often find myself preparing or rehearsing situations in my mind where I would have to defend myself or those around me. Sometimes though I even have thoughts of violence towards those I hold important to me. Which is what freaks me out the most.

Not sure if I’m just chronically depressed or a psychopath.