I had an incident 2 years ago, about 4 or 5 weeks after starting on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I was not myself - I would call in sick to work but pretend to go, then spend all day binging on food, driving around aimlessly, gambling, surfing the net, and meeting strange men. I was also highly suicidal, and even had thoughts of harming my then 6-month-old baby (but I NEVER actually hurt her, I just had the thoughts, and those thoughts scared the living crap out of me!!!)

At that time, I had never really done any reading about mental illnesses - I just thought I was depressed - postpartum depression - I had heard of Bipolar but didn't really know what it was. My doc never told me what to look for. I did tell them what was going on, but they, too, failed to notice what it really was. Or at least they failed to tell me what was going on.

Looking back now, it seems clear to me (and my new therapist) that it was a Bipolar manic episode, triggered by the meds.

Soo....my question is this. I read all the symptoms and a few books about Bipolar, and about Borderline. Except for that one incident - I really have never been "manic" at ALL. I never get the racing thoughts, speedy, hyper, lack of sleep, feeling "high" stuff. NEVER.

And that little episode - the worst symptom was really the "impulsiveness" - even then, I was not really speedy or hyper or sleeping less or any of that. Just the impulsiveness.

I do also fit a lot more of the symptoms of Borderline. The fear of abandonment. Clinging to my bad marriage, afraid of being alone, doing anything possible to keep him even though it's not working. One day I hate him, the next day I love him. There's the impulsivity. The mood swings. Suicidal in the past - and thoughts now, but not acting on it.

In fact, if you look at the symptom list for Borderline - the only one I do NOT have is the paranoid / dissociative one. (thank god!) And I am not a self-injurer, but I have been suicidal in the past (and that is on the same bullet-point as the self-harm)

But when I look at the symptoms for Bipolar - the ONLY symptom I DID have was the impulsivity, binging, sex, spending, etc. - but I do not have any of the other symptoms (except the depression side, of course).

I guess what I'm saying is - can I really be Bipolar if my only manic episode was triggered by meds?

Could it be that I am really Borderline? Can anti-depressants "trigger" a Borderline impulsive episode just like Bipolar?

Or...am I just making this all up??!!!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I am not really 'accepting' the Bipolar diagnosis. I just don't think it fits me, and I'm scared to get on the wrong meds again.

I've only been back in therapy for one week so far, I know, I know, it takes time. I just don't want to mess it all up like I did last time.