I think something is amiss with my thinking right now. I've been a little up and now I'm kind of, well sort of very, distressed. I just left a message on my psychiatrist's voicemail. I'm feeling a little concerned all of a sudden.

I know I was a bit up, but then today something odd has happened. Am I in some sort of mixed state? I woke up with a headache, but then I was thinking about making all of these cookies. I wrote here on PC a bit, but then suddenly I had this extreme fear that my psychiatrist might be retiring. He usually gives me two appointments in advance, but only gave me one. I don't know why. Maybe because he just got back from vacation. I saw him last Wednesday, and he gave me an appointment for next Wednesday (2 weeks later), but no additional. Is it because he was concerned in some way? I was kind of curious about the 2-weeks only in between, but then didn't think about it. But now I think "Why only one appointment scheduled?"

I don't think my psychiatrist is going to retire. I don't think so. But what if that was true? He told me a long while ago that he never intends to retire. But he did tell me a while back that he plans to move his office. But the place he'd move it to wouldn't be that far from my house. His current office is only a 5 minute drive from my house, but if he moved it to where he lives that would only be 25 minutes. I'm sure he wouldn't move it too much further away than that. I'd drive 60 minutes if I had to. What if he is cutting down on his patients? But I thought he said he would keep his long-term patients. He implied a long while back that he would keep me.

I think I'm just not thinking properly.

It's raining and gloomy outside. Something about the sound of the rain is making feel afraid. I have this weird adrenaline type tingling in my body, in the way that one gets when having a panic attack. Yesterday I had extreme periods of fury. I am afraid that the home owner's association's management company poisoned our potted plants in the back in retaliation for some issues we've had with them. Then I was even thinking they somehow poisoned my parrot, but the latter I am telling myself is not rationale. But the poisoning of the plants I can't get out of my head.

When I called my psychiatrist's voicemail I had a difficult time trying to describe what I'm feeling. I told him my thinking is not right. I almost stuttered like I used to stutter when I felt like this. And repeat. I hope he calls me soon. I want him to tell me that he doesn't plan to retire in the near future or drop me as a patient. I know that's likely not true, but I need to hear it.

I guess I'm suddenly panicking about all of the loss I'm experiencing. I thought I was doing great. Yesterday I felt really great and I believe my therapist likely thought I really had my stuff totally together. But she did say for me to lay low today and not go to AA. I'm not. I guess that's good.

I know my psychiatrist is not going to retire. I don't know why I keep thinking this. I think I need to take a PRN Seroquel. Should I do that now or wait for my psychiatrist to call back? I'm glad today is Wednesday and not Friday. I'm reluctant to say anything to my husband. He has been kind of worried about me lately.

I don't know what to do right now. Maybe I should take the Seroquel PRN. I will. I'll take at least 50 mg. I think 25 mg would be too little. I will take it now.

I'm sorry. Nobody has to respond to this. I'm just trying to get some of the stuff out of me. It's kind of a little like mental vomiting. I don't want to scream. This is sort of a substitute for screaming. How did this escalate to whatever is happening right now so quickly?

I almost typed that I won't answer the phone if it rings, but then realized that if it rings it might be my psychiatrist. If it is my psychiatrist I kind of don't want him to expect me to repeat all of what I said on the voicemail. I hope he listens to it completely and just asks me some questions then tells me what to do. I don't really want an emergency appointment. I just want him to tell me what I should do with any medication changes. I'll tell him I took a 50 mg Seroquel PRN. I'm going to go do that now.