I'm definitely in a self harm cycle. This is two days in a row where I have self-harmed. I definitely am doing some protective measures like staying busy in the evenings and spending time with friends. I'm also engaging in riskier behaviors like self-harming at work. Generally I'm alone in my office but there is always that chance someone could walk by or someone could come to see me. So self-harming at work isn't the best idea. I try to not do it there much but two days in a row I have self-harmed at work, in my office. There's definitely a push and pull for and against me. There is part of me that wants to stop this behavior right now and part of me that wants to keep going until my arms are messed up. I think this is called ambivalence. I think part of it is in response to my T session last Friday where my T didn't really take my suicidal idealation seriously. So now I have to prove that I can mess myself up. I know how messed up that sounds. It's also soothing the suicidal idealation so part of it is about relieving that feeling inside of wanting to die, in a healthier way than by suicide. My head definitely feels in a bad space. I'm not doing what is healthy for me and that's a problem.