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Magnate
Member Since Feb 2016
Location: Appalachian Mountains
Posts: 2,040
15 hugs
given
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Aug 14, 2019 at 11:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty
I don't understand myself. I'm not usually like this. I'm having this strong push and pull inside me. I'm doing something good for me tonight--going to meet a friend for coffee, but then I'm not doing something good for me, taking care of the wound. I don't know why I'm acting this way unless it still has something to do with not feeling like T gave an empathetic enough response. So maybe I'm just like well, forget it then, I'm just going to mess up anyway. But it's also soothing to the sui feelings so I don't know what's up. I see T in 5 days and 2 hours. I don't like myself too much right now because I'm not acting in a way that I think is appropriate. I'm possibly reacting and I don't like that. Maybe I'm trying to test T. Surely that's more useful than just coming out and telling her, I wish you would have given me a more empathetic response (sarcasm). I also feel like the wound isn't "bad" enough to require treatment, though I know it would heal better if I got it treated. There's something in me saying, "You didn't punish yourself enough." Argh. I wish T was tonight so I could get this figured out and stop behaving so oddly. |
Possible trigger:
SH is such that it's never, ever "enough." It's never bad enough, we will always feel as if we could have done something just a little bit worse to ourselves. SH is seriously addictive on that it takes worse and worse harm to "scratch that itch." I've been there and it's hellish, but you need to make a commitment to stop.
Not a commitment that I'll try really hard not to, not a commitment that I'll try 3 coping skills first, not a commitment that I'll do it so it doesn't require stitches, no half measures will work. You have to decide to quit and have support measures in place to allow you top do that (friend, T, hotline, PC, all of these).
I don't think you feel ready to stop but I want to let you know I felt the same way. My T helped me see that i would never, ever let someone else treat me that way and I would never inflict that on someone else, so it wasn't being true ti who I am to do it to myself. It took giving myself a little compassion before I was able to stop. At first I couldn't even do that, so I used my therapist's compassion toward me as a stepping stone.
I sense from your posts and from the fact you're still doing it that it's filling some need for you. What do you get out of it? For me, it was a way to externalize the pain for a while and it let me feel the punishment I thought I deserved and it kept people very far away from me. For you it might be different. I don't think it matters whether you figure out what function it serves in order to quit. You just need to decide that nobody gets to treat you that way, not even you, and go cold Turkey. If drawing on your body helps, that's great but you need someone to be accountable to. For me it was my T.
I hope you make the choice to stop soon.
__________________
"I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers which can't be questioned." --Richard Feynman
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