I began today’s session by thanking R for her e-mail.
‘That’s OK, sorry there was a bit of a delay.’
‘Mine probably didn’t tell you anything. On Tuesday morning I woke up to a text message…’ I went on to explain the specifics. ‘the people at the bank were great, so that was dealt with. I had a day between that and the next hit.’
‘Oh?’
‘When I say I had a day between the two things, I spent it feeling disorientated and not like myself. On the Thursday, I received an e-mail from my boss. My colleague who I talked about before has handed in her notice.’ I continued ‘I drafted a reply which was more to do with the impact on the organisation, and then realized… How much of me is in that e-mail? None. So I sent a different version.’
‘How did you feel about that?’
‘I felt good – it is about the impact on the organisation, but I am gutted that she is leaving. On my first young writers’ session without my mentor, I walked into the office and she asked whether I was OK. I didn’t know how to respond, so I didn’t. She followed up with ‘Are you breathing?’

‘Sometimes people can see through our masks a bit. It sounds like she is one of those people.’

‘Work is the only place I don’t’ armour up. I don’t’ want that to be threatened, but it is going to change, at least for a while.’

‘Do you feel like you want to put a piece of armour on?’

‘Yes, I will still have my other colleague…’

I didn’t tell R that I looked at the job description, but I don’t’ drive. I talked about the wonderful experience of the last session of the summer term.
‘I hear a bit of pride from you. That makes me a bit emotional.’

‘It had the same effect on me…”Keep it together….’”
I talked about recognising that work cannot be all I need it to be. R highlighted some of the qualities I had mentioned. ‘You said that’s not living a life, but when you are at work, you are present. I am not suggesting that you go and get ten different jobs…’
‘It’s a glimpse of who I was before…’

‘Do you want me to move?’
‘Yes, please.’

‘I think I know what you are going to say. It’s OK, you can say it. I am going to name the emotion – guilt.’
‘It’s a glimpse of who I was before Chris died.’
R then asked me a question I wasn’t sure I had heard correctly. Caught off-guard I began to laugh.
‘Do I experience her at work?’

‘Yes, sorry…that was probably my poor choice of wording.’
‘I sort of do, but I wonder whether that is because I am acting in the same capacity she once did for me.’
‘Being there for others?’
R said she was struck by the contrast of me saying in session that I wanted to be there for others but lacked the capacity. Now I am doing that.’
‘There is still a line. After twelve years…’
R’s grip tightened. ‘I feel a wave of sadness coming over you.’
‘I am fighting not to let it take control.’
‘I can feel that…perhaps sit with it, what does it feel like?’
‘It feels impossibly heavy. She would not want to see me like this. Twelve years, I have grown so much, and yet I am still…dealing with something really big?’
R talked about the juxtaposition between me at work and away from work.
‘It sounds like you eave work and the gate shuts. You’re in the darkness again until next time.’
She shared an analogy about compartmentalising that one of her supervisors used in training.
‘We all have a backpack, and you get to decide how much baggage you take into every activity. You can leave things at the door, but you have to remember to pick them up on your way out.’
R talked about the level of connection she feels sitting with me rather than on the sofa. ‘I feel like something happens when I am here. We started today’s session and I thought you were just catching me up on work. You ended up going really deep.’
‘I think it’s something to do with not being alone with it. I hate touching that space.’
‘I’m only here because you asked me to be.’
We set up for next week, and I will begin with the piece of writing.