Thanks for the various comments. I do know that I'm repeating a pattern at times. And T is trying to work with me on that. I know I'm less likely to post about these sessions, but we do spend a lot of time talking about stuff from my childhood, particularly my relationship with my parents, and how that affected me. And ways to try to move forward from that. It was the main topic this past Thursday, for example.

I think, for me, with this T in particular, he's less demonstrative about caring. It can be difficult for me to accept that people care about me, particularly someone with whom I've shared so many negative and dark parts of myself. So it's like part of me wants him to prove that caring in a way, by words, actions, etc. But as I said to T earlier this week, I think part of what he's doing (whether intentionally or unintentionally) is to teach me to accept caring that comes in a form that's not exactly what I'm looking for. T thought that was a good observation. I think I'm doing that better lately regarding H, for example. And in T talking to me about how much thought he puts into my therapy, that shows he really cares, probably moreso than him saying "I care about you" or choosing to stand at a time when I'd want him to. (With my paying at the beginning now, he does stand to shake my hand and see me out at the end now.)

I do think that, in addition to my parents, some of this comes from my experience with ex-MC, too. Because he generally did give me what I wanted (with a couple exceptions) and seemed accept things I said and did that, in retrospect, he probably should not have accepted (I mentioned this to T recently as well). It felt good at the time, but also didn't really teach me anything--except perhaps to push him more and see what else he'd accept. The fact that he was so outwardly caring--perhaps even over the top in some ways (though that's his style--T, who knows him, said he tends to seem *too* happy to see people)--for so long, then ultimately getting rejected on some level by him... I think that makes it more difficult to accept T's more quiet, subtle displays of caring. Like, ex-MC accepted nearly everything and was so obvious in his caring, yet he rejected me. So if T is much less outward about his caring and also lets me know when things I do/say bother or upset him (things ex-MC likely would have accepted, even if they did in fact bother him), then my mind jumps to "he doesn't care as much and of course will end up rejecting me, too." And feeling rejected over the standing thing, for example, also called back past rejections from authority figures. Which is why I told T that I knew it wasn't all about him, while he seemed to think it was?

Will add more about Tuesday's conversation in a separate post, as I feel this one has gotten sorta long and rambling.

OK, ETA: I do think working through these conflicts with my T has therapeutic value with effects outside just the therapeutic relationship. He's helping me learn ways to handle conflict and how other people might react to me. And he's being honest with me in ways that others might not (he's talked about doing this, including trying to give me a sense of how others react). So I don't feel these conflicts are wasting valuable therapy time, but, in fact, perhaps are teaching me more than if we just talked about how I handle conflict and wanting things from people that they might not be willing to give. Kind of that whole "the relationship is the work" idea, even though that generally isn't how he practices therapy (though he seems to understand how talking through these things helps me and isn't a waste of time).