Stuff from Tuesday's session:

I said I got the sense from what he'd said Monday that he self-discloses more to other clients than to me. Though I knew I may have misunderstood and wanted to clarify. But if I did interpret correctly, it made me feel almost like when ex-T said she hugged other clients but (at the time) wouldn't hug me because I had some maternal transference. That it felt almost like I was being punished. I also mentioned the "steel trap" thing. T said he is particularly careful with self-disclosure with me, that he's thoughtful about what he shares, especially because I'll mention things he shared again. But that he also doesn't share much about himself with clients in general (so, not just me, but he thinks about it more with me).

I said part of the thing with him not disclosing much is...that I sort of come up with some sort of narrative anyway. And then I also might have the desire to try to seek out information in other ways (alluding to Googling, while hoping he wouldn't ask specifics--he knows I've done some Googling of him in the past). I said how I knew--or thought I knew, from what ex-T had said--that his son was maybe on the spectrum, but that I'd respected him about that, how I hadn't asked more questions (well, aside from his age), that it's not like I tried to Google stuff about that.

How when his wife's post showed up in one of my Facebook group (biomedical treatment group for autism, ADHD, etc.), that I'd told him. And that I knew I shoudln't have gone and read her past posts in there, but I did (again, it was in a group I was already in, dating back to before I even knew T). And I wondered if that's something we need to discuss at one point, like what I thought I'd learned in there and the narrative I may have created (he didn't really say anything in response to that).

Stuff about my crying came up. I said how some people on PC had suggested that maybe he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him by crying. So I was concerned he might think that. T: "I've never thought that about you." Me: "OK, good, thanks." I said I'd asked H that question the other night, if he ever thought when I cried in front of him, if I was trying to manipulate him. And he replied, "Not most of the time, no." T asked if I'd asked him to explain more, and I said not at the time, but it's been bothering me, so I should ask him. That I didn't know if he was joking or serious. (They're really the only two people I cry in front of with any regularity.)

I said something about it being helpful to be able to get the tears out in his office, that it felt like a safe place to cry. While he just sits there. Then I said, "I mean, I don't expect you to do more than sit there, just your being accepting of it is enough. I know you're not going to come over and comfort me or something." He said something about that being a natural want to have. Me: "Yeah, and sometimes I wonder if it could be helpful to talk about some of those wants, like regarding you, even if I know they wouldn't happen. Like maybe there's some value in talking about where they're coming from." T: "We can talk about those sorts of things. It might make me a bit uncomfortable, but that's OK." Me: "OK, not today, but maybe in the future."

In talking about how he handles me as a client, he said he wasn't sure which thing ex-MC did that led to all the issues. I said I thought it was more about inconsistent boundaries than disclosure. He asked if ex-MC's talking about his kids contributed to the transference. I said really just when he would talk about helping his daughter, then later his son, to deal with their anxiety. Because I'd wished my parents had been able to do that. So it brought out some paternal transference. But much of the other disclosure, not really. It was the inconsistent boundaries in particular, I thought.

T: "You've had a history of this happening more than once." Me: "You're referring to the teacher as well as ex-MC?" T: "Yes." Me: "I think the teacher was partly a boundaries issue, too, where he accepted things until he didn't." T: "Because it's happened before, I think about how the worst possible outcome for you would be to have that happen again with me, to have another bad ending, like with my saying you have to cut off communication. I'm trying very hard to do everything I can to keep that from happening." I said I really appreciated that. I think that was right near the end of session.

It meant a lot and really resonated with me. I didn't say this, but was thinking afterward how it's not like he isn't doing things certain just to be a ****, or avoiding sharing things just for the sake of it, but he's really trying to be careful with my case to ensure I don't get badly hurt again by a male authority figure. I'm trying to hold that in my mind of evidence of his caring and dedication to me, as something to remember next time I feel disappointed by or hurt by him or frustrated with his boundaries.