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sarahsweets · Aug 18, 2019, 06:07 AM

@LacunaCoiler

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Originally Posted by LacunaCoiler

I wish I could give you good advice but I'm in the exact same boat as you are. Divorce is hanging over our heads atm and it's a horrible feeling at the moment. We've been together for 13 years and married 3 and I am madly in love with her. I never saw anything but our lives... together. I don't want to lose her but she has already said that she loves me but is not in love with me and that it's not fair for her to stay because I deserve someone who loves me 100%. She has also told me that even though I make her 80% happy is it worth staying when there is a possibility that she could leave and find someone that makes her 90-100% happy.

IMO this is almost worse than a marriage full of fights and strife. For someone to tell you that they are not in love with you and make them 80% happy and they might be able to find someone who makes them 90% or more happy is a way of quantifying that I cant wrap my head around. Think about that for a minute....80% happy and not in love with you. That is huge and I do not think changes you make can make someone fall in love with you again. Falling in love is the beginning of a relationship but I do not believe you can make that happen.

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She has also told me things that make me sound like the biggest, most selfish asshole in the whole world and I feel like ****. Why would she stay with me if I was such a worthless asshole? And how do I even make her 80% happy?

Do you believe her? Are you a selfish asshole in all honesty? Or is that her way of deflection?

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But what I don't understand though, is that she only says that when we fight and will later tell me that she makes her happy and that she needs to decided if I'm worth giving up for a possibility of greater happiness. My friend say that I shouldn't come in second in my relationship (there was an affair involved and I felt like I came in second in my own marriage... long story.) and that I shouldn't stay with someone who is looking for better things and just keeping me around till then.

Did she have an affair? If so it sounds like she was already looking to make up the 20% deficit and that is not a good thing. Its all well and good to have the feelings but to have an affair and then tell you she cant decide if you are worth holding onto because of percentages is....like ridiculous.

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However, when we're together and we're happy it's the best feeling in the world and I can see/feel that she is happy too. I know I should have greater self worth and leave, but I love her too much to just throw it all away because I do think she is not only the love of my life, but my best friend as well. If we divorce she wants to stay friends and I just can't do that. If we're done... we're done. I can't be with her in just a friends capacity and that makes me sad because I would lose both my wife and my best friend.

It is a horrible feeling but I think its a good step to realize that you would not be able to stay friends.

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What we have agreed on is to take it one step at a time. Day by day. I am working on a lot of things, things that she says annoys her or have made her lose faith in me. We both want to try and fix our marriage and she says if we stop fighting it will help her to fall back in love with me. I honestly don't know if we'll be together this time next year but we're working on it and she is now wearing her wedding ring again, so that's a good sign I guess. If you need someone to vent to, or talk with someone who is kind of in the same boat, please feel free to private message me.

It sounds like you are doing all the changing. What about her?