I found out that I accidentally sent an email reply to my work's entire department. When I found out, I could tell my all of my visible skin went red to match the extreme level of embarrassment I felt. Maybe if I post about it publicly I can pretend I'm any other person and think 'come on, it's not a big deal, you didn't even say anything sensitive or personal.' I'm afraid of even posting about it now because maybe someone I work with will find this and connect my posts with me and lord, that would the end of the world right there. I wrote out that one paragraph reply for that specific person, all the words and the tone I chose was for their eyes/brain-ears only. I wrote out these posts specifically designed to be transparent, sometimes cringy, and open for only internet strangers to choose to read for some reason.

But now I am at least in one of those ways exposed, everyone knows all of the words I chose to use, what tone I tried to deliver (a reasonable, professional tone. Nothing at all to be concerned about.) The point is I have no reason to be embarrassed so why is my stomach twisting into knots thinking about it? I'm afraid of other people like me that think way too much about what they see, they read into and see all these details and burn that impression of me into their brains forever. They read that tone not intended for them, so maybe now they'll expect that tone from me in the future and be disappointed when they don't see it. I built up all that expectation in them just to maybe tear it down and leave them thinking negatively from that moment.

Has this gotten to a point of crazy sounding ****? I think so. Why do I think this stuff? Why am I so obsessed with trying to maximize my control of how other people see me? When I look at others, even if I'm the hypercritical way I am, I would never feel like something like this would be embarrassing. But I would look at them, deep in their eyes, and search heavily to see if they were embarrassed. If they feel the same things I feel when their feeling of control and safety is shattered. Why would I do that? Maybe to feel a better sense of connection to the world, to that person, to feel like I'm not alone or different, to feel slightly delighted to be on the other side of the fence and know exactly how not to act to that person.

If people like me are what I'm afraid of and that's how I think, then what's there to be scared of? I don't know. After thinking this out I know there's no reason for fear, that being vulnerable and open is actually a good thing, but I know once I go back to my every-day brain tomorrow that feeling will come back. I'll be just as guarded and stone faced and unsure and scared. Thanks for reading.