Mouse, I understand your view and unfortunately when I judge myself-- I do it very harshly. I think women DO apologize and understand the role they play in this process. And I think it is a shared responsibility that once fully realized we do take actions to correct. That is why it was me who sought therapy and me who continues to go despite the fact that my husband refuses to go. And ME who finally step up and said THIS MUST CHANGE.

Surnise, I want to be very clear here. Of all the people I've met at PC, YOU have been the one who most profoundly gave me the gentle wake up call I needed. By sharing your comments and experiences here you were able to put verbal abuse into words that I understood. After that then comments from Perna, Mouse, random tidbits dropped from the Sky, Jello, Sister Charlotte, and so many others (the list could go on and on... ) started to sink in and make sense. If you ever get down and start beating yourself up for things, please think of me. If you were not here now, I would likely still be suffering in silence and my kids would be suffering too. The ripple effect of the things discussed and shared by everyone here on PC is really profound if you think about it.

Mouse back to your comment. I don't know what things were like for Sunrise but for Me... I grew up in a home where verbal abuse was a normal part of daily life. When I rebelled and left this home I thought I had made a clean break, that the effects of this exposure were behind me, I WAS NOT going to let a man treat me that way or control me that way. Unfortunately, somehow I ended up 5 years later repeating the cycle. My husband was not like this when I married him. I was very direct with him, didn't take any crap, and made it clear that I would not be walked all over. He would WORK, assist with household responsibilities, and show me love and respect I deserved. But some how when the kids came, and our life circumstances and his health changed gradually the tension started to rise. For me when I had my kids, I just seemed to put all of my personal needs aside and they became my priority. My needs and wants were no longer important and I think this paved the way for me to lose my sense of self. When my husband started having problems, I just slips gradually into an old pattern of covering things up, accepting responsibility for the happiness of others, and ignoring warning signs that I was slowing dieing inside. I wasn't stepping up and saying "NO" you are not going to treat me that way or I deserve better. I gradually morphed in to a passive victim like my mother. It wasn't until I realized that the attacks had shifted to my children, that I was triggered to fight. Only after starting therapy did I realize that my sense of self and been totally destroyed and that I had allowed myself to morph into this person that I truly loathed.

I accept responsibility and am working hard to repair the damage. Hopefully in doing so my kids are learning that there are times in life when you have to struggle to get what you want and deserve. Hopefully, I am not repeating all of the same mistakes my mother made. Hopefully my children will learn from my struggles how to build quality, healthily intimate relationship with others. And if I do not achieve this for myself, at least they will know that these relationships exist.