First of all, thank you for sharing and opening up to us strangers on this forum! I'm glad you did. I can definitely see how having an impartial, unbiased look at this would be helpful.

I can definitely understand you and your girlfriend's frustrations here. I can also empathize with the concern but I think that's going to be any parent/family response to a situation like this. I have been in long-distance relationships before, so I do know the struggles here. However, mine were never outside the country so that aspect is not something I have dealt with. If I can ask some clarifying questions:

It seems your family's biggest concerns have to do with not really knowing "J". And so, the thought of you traveling around the world to meet her is scary. Is there a way you can bridge that gap? Can they interact with her? I know that's asking a lot-- but maybe it would help ease some of your mom's concerns? Have you ever talked to J on a video app? Skype, Facetime, etc.? And if not-- why not? If you have been talking to her for several years, I would hope you two have used video chats or something to not only speak to one another, but hear one another and see one another. And, then maybe you can set up a time where you, J, and your family can all 'meet' over video. Have a face to a name. If you've already done this- then how did it go?

There is always the concerns of apps that can distort faces. Technology is both magnificent and terrifying. I agree the long-term, true investment of visas and all that can be challenging. I think finding a neutral meetup spot would be ideal so neither of you are out the finances and trip just for the other person. Its a vacation. One you would take regardless of if you and J were meeting up. If you can think of it that way-- then I think you're on the right track. Also, IF you do meet J in person- set boundaries BEFORE you meet. I realize that this can be hard, but a) I think it'd make your mom feel better and b) it may take some awkwardness out of the equation. For example-- say you fly to S.Korea or wherever-- set rules for the meeting. Have an agreed upon, public first 'meet'/date/whatever you want to call it. Agree that this will just be a date. You will not go back to a private place afterwards. At least not after that first date. Go to date. Fun fun fun. Say goodbye. Go back to your hotel or wherever you are, she goes back to hers. Process the meeting. Be honest about it. Think about it. See if there is the physical connection like there was long-distance.

That's just an initial thought. Meet everyone in the middle. But you have to tell your family something. That's why I think having that video meeting would be great if it hasn't already happened. Be open. Be honest. This is your life. You are an adult. You are able to make your own decisions. But you are also subject to the consequences for those decisions and need to weigh those out and do what you can to minimize them.

Second-- long-term goals for yourself and J.

Would J be moving to Canada if it wasn't for you? You mentioned that she wants to move somewhere. I know visas are tough, but there should be opportunities for her to get work visas to Canada or US? My knowledge in this area is a little fuzzy- but I think either of you doing permanent visa work with the sole benefit being uniting would be putting too much pressure on your relationship. If she wants to immigrate, that is going to be her decision for her reasons. I know you want to help her-- but this is her life too. If she really truly wants it, let her work on it. Figure it out. And come to you if she needs help. That way- she isn't coming to Canada for your 'money' or to 'take advantage' of you. She would be coming, getting her own job, her own place, and then-- go from there.

The same is true for you. If J comes to Canada, your life could potentially change. Would you truly be able to commit to a physical relationship? What if it goes well? Are you in a position to move out on your own, support yourself, be independent, and potentially have a life with another person? There is a convenience with living at home and perhaps a cultural reason too- but I also find, the more you act like an independent adult, the more you'll be treated like one.

I'm sorry if some of this seems cruel or mean. I certainly want you to be happy! And I think you deserve that. There are lots of reasons to explore this relationship because if you're still talking about all these years, there is a connection. But it takes more than a LDR connection to make a relationship work. Which I'm sure you know. You seem level headed about this. I think if you reframe your way of thinking not to - how can we be together? - but to - what do I want for MY future? and what does J want for HER future? and then compare-- do they line up? Because-- let's face it-- if you DO go to S. Korea (or wherever) and you have a real physical spark and connection, you don't want to only realize then that you want to be somewhere completely different than where she wants to be in life.

Hang in there! And, while honesty is SUPER hard-- it is a lot better than lies. No matter how small.