Hello Union: Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to Psych Central. I want, first, to admit I didn't read your entire post. I read probably about the first half & then skimmed the rest. There's nothing I can offer with regard to the visa issues you've encountered. Perhaps the solution to this may lie in finding an attorney who is experienced in handling visa & immigration-related issues? But I really don't know.

What I would like to suggest to you is probably not what you want to hear. But you're 33 years old. (By the way... just for reference I'm 71!) And, from what I read, you're still tied to your mother's apron strings, so to speak. It's past time for you to become your own man. Yes, doing so may cause problems with your mother & brother. And yes it's certainly possible all of the concerns your mother is raising could be true. Life is a risk. But ultimately the question here, to my way of thinking, is are you going to do what needs to be done to figure out if "J" really is the love of your life or is the love you feel you have for her not strong enough that you're willing to risk what you have to risk in order to fulfill it. And alternatively is your connection to your mother & brother so strong you are willing to face the prospect of being alone the rest of your life in order to avoid angering them? It's really your choice.

You're 33 years old. I'll tell you, you potentially have a lot of years ahead of you. And by continuing to accede to your mother's & your brother's wishes, you could end up spending a lot of those by yourself. (Granted that could happen too if you alienate your mother & brother & don't end up with "J" either.) Is it possible you might find someone else if you disengage from "J"? Yes that's a possibility too although, based on what you wrote, it sounds like you've already been through this once before. The thing is there are no guarantees on any of this. Whatever you do, whichever way you go, you could end up regretting it. In fact, I would suggest that no matter what you do there will be regrets of one sort or another. There again... that's life. All you can do is to make a decision based on what you know now & what you hope for yourself in the future. Yes I understand you don't want to hurt your mother & brother. (I read your Carnival Row quote. Platitudes can certainly be a comfort.) As I once read somewhere on the internet: "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it." The fact is (from my perspective) someone is likely to feel hurt in this situation. The question is will it be you, potentially "J", or your mother & brother? It doesn't have to be that way. But based on what you wrote it sounds to me as though your mother & brother are making it that way which means that sadly, unless they come around & change their minds, you're going to have to choose. But, based on my own experience, that's the reality of being an adult in this world. It's messy. That's simply the way it is.

The reality is I can't tell you what decisions to make here. I can only offer my personal perspective based on what you wrote. Perhaps, given the physiological symptoms you mentioned you're experiencing, talking all of this through at-length & in-depth over a period of time with a counselor or mental health therapist would be a good idea. I think, whatever you decide, the one thing you definitely should not do is to continue on the way you are. You're jeopardizing your own health, both mental as well as physical, and it sounds like perhaps your livelihood as well. Whichever way you feel you want to go, my recommendation is... make a decision now & stick with it. My best wishes to you...