Hello Rouge0: I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself.  Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to Psych Central.  The Steps to Better Self-Esteem forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:
https://psychcentralforums.com/steps...r-self-esteem/
And then here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:
6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem
8 Suggestions for Strengthening Self-Esteem When You Have Depression
What Really Strengthens Self-Esteem
When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly
https://psychcentral.com/blog/breaki...ds-of-badness/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-step...yourself-more/
I hope you find PC to be of benefit. 
__________________
"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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