Finally back home, and once again thank you all so very much for the help. I will be honest and say I have posted this on several different forums and received just simple or short responses everywhere else, if any at all.

I will try to speak to each of your posts in turn.

Yes I believe no matter if I would have a Canadian girlfriend (which is preferred by them for simplicities sake since they often say “oh why couldn’t you have…”) or one from abroad I would get this similar very negative and suspicious outlook to whomever it was. Yes it is natural for any parent to want to protect.

Yes their concerns are mostly about me having not met J. in person (hence the part in my post above about not believing I can be in love yet), and that she is in their eyes very likely not what she seems: “There isn’t something quite right about her.” is all I ever hear. I don’t communicate well with most people, not even my family. Over the past 5 years they barely asked about her other then to see if I still talk to her. It took everything I had to write a letter and confront them first off about wanting to meet up outside Canada since that failed again this year. Yes I probably have something wrong (phobia?) and need social counselling. I am an extreme introvert, part my doing, part their sheltering. I constantly get the impression they think if they leave it alone the problem will go away on its own. They are only more panicked now that I spoke up. My family has only talked to her once on Skype about a week and a half ago, and dropped in on one Skype call a year or more back over Christmas for all of like 30 seconds. Besides that they might have asked one question a month prior and now bombard me with only phrases that make me question the relationship, nothing positive to show support or they are happy for me like “go get ‘em Tiger.” (To be cliché about it.) They don’t seem interested in trying to talk to her or getting to know her as they already know I mentioned to J. they think she is a scam. Honestly I think they deserve that discomfort if they are going to be stereotyping people, and I can’t sugar coat it, be racist. They are not acting like the people I knew. This whole thing reminds me immediately of an episode of Star Trek Generations called the Drumhead you can find on youtube.

It doesn’t help that my brother never attempts to get a girlfriend and just backs my mother up. I am always the one to try and break free and get double teamed.

Now I said “mostly” about me not having met J., but I am thinking they also are concerned it will affect my teaching career if I end up moving away, or can’t get a term position for increased status while I am off after my beau. Getting permanent teaching spots or even terms is not easy here. I think my mother expects me to get a house or position first before worrying about a love life. You can’t help when love happens however and schools will always be there, but J. could very easily move on if I wait.

I agree my family and J. need to talk more. It doesn’t help that J’s family mostly can’t speak English cause the two families should talk a little too. J. has hid the whole my family thinks she is a scam from her mother and most but not all of her contacts on her end to try and preserve our relationship, or out of shame? The little meet up they had was just a formality for mother to try and request that J. wait till next X to prove her loyalty to me.

I know technology is amazing but I can’t say I have ever seen anything distorted. J. takes a lot of photos and has a cat which is often prominent in the video chats which I would think would make hiding something more difficult. I trust that she is who she is physically.

I believe you are correct about the neutral meet up spot first. My girlfriend and I are both very similar personality wise (introverted), and probably would agree to a slow ramp up. My mother would never accept me sharing a room with J. yet anyhow, although we do want to go camping and hiking in the future. My mother isn’t super religious but is a bit and falling back on it as a crutch to support her arguments.

In terms of meeting up I literally had to sit down and make a spreadsheet of every country and territory on earth and slowly rule them out one by one for travel warnings, natural hazards (earthquakes, hurricanes, etc), government or past/present war concerns, violent crimes, etc and lately on costs for J and I. Ireland was the most equal cost but requires a visa for us both and more time. South Korea is certainly more costly for me than her, but she has already spent a lot on trying to get us to meet up in Canada (she has tried to meet various visa requirements by traveling to other countries to get a travel history of returning back home, and is saving for an apartment rather than rent.) In overall costs for the both of us South Korea is very low in all respects but my travel. I can very easily afford it, and even so have been secretly saving a separate account for just this potential crisis over the last several years knowing my family doesn’t want me to touch my funds for buying my own house.

It’s hard to grow up for yourself when you are in a police state. They value hard work, so I have just made the best of a bad situation working as much as I can so I will have more free time in my future with a potential family. Hence working 3+ jobs all the time. Hence why I really need J. and I to work out to justify all my lost time. I have had 137 full days off in the last 1671 or 4.64 years. That’s 8.2% of my life over nearly 5 years. Yes I have a spreadsheet about that. I have fed my family tons of evidence and sympathetic material, but they just get more polarized.

J. wants to immigrate somewhere, or has always had that dream, but as she has told me her main interest is in fact me. I have no doubt she can eventually get here, but we just want to meet first and make sure this is serious. I do have some people locally that are offering to help with this in the future. Clearly tourist visa isn’t going to work so we will change tactics to work or student visa if need be.

I am absolutely ready for a life change to actual try having a relationship (physical and emotional). All this mental breakdown and hard work has been for just that! I am very well off financially to start my own life right now through my own hard work/efforts and not having had to deal with rent while I am living at home. (One of the reasons I have stayed so long.) J. knows I am doing quite well, but not how well. 3+ jobs does create a lot of income if you don’t go anywhere or don’t do anything to spend it. Emotionally though I do admit I am stretched very thin right now and have ZERO social skills. J. knows this and has been a trooper trying to help me with it. We have some planning for a future but nothing can ever be set in stone, so we are part taking it a step at a time and part planning.

Nothing you people say is cruel, I knew long ago I needed to break out and have been really just trying to bide my time for the right reasons and push all at once.

I am all about trying to get this to be “the relationship” while dumbing down the idealism (afterall this is very tarnished from my family to begin with). If this fails I am not sure I can handle even trying again. This has hurt me to the center of my core on top of what has happened before in my life….

Skeezyks I haven’t shared all of my past….there are bad things that have happened to me that aren’t relevant here and are closed book stories which I have already dealt with. I ended up this way for a number of reasons but the over-protectionism and need to earn a lot of money for my own university and car basically set the routine and stage for the conditions today. I tolerated it for awhile to get hopefully a better and brighter future.

One of the down sides is my mother has no one to support her but us brothers. If I get estranged that leaves her with just my brother and she isn’t exactly in the best of health. My brother is also very lazy and I am have routinely been the main care giver. I have been as delicate as I can for a reason.

This very likely is, to borrow a phrase, a kobayashi maru scenario (yes I grew up on sci fi deal with it), and has no good outcome.

I hate to say it but just by pure logic I won’t be living with the two of them forever and would have far more years yet to come either alone or with someone if I can make a relationship truly work out.

Yes I HAVE been trough this once before with a girlfriend in a wheelchair. And me going off to China in the first place for classes and to prove I can teach before taking an education degree. And many other smaller battles. But this is by far the hardest thus far.

divine1966 her visa was denied for having a lack of travel history (she couldn’t prove she would leave when she said she would leave given she hadn’t travelled anywhere yet). She has travelled to 10+ countries now to try and set a record of leaving before her visas expire. But we are told not all countries have the same weight and she needs a European country or Canada/US. There are other reasons too like not having physical assets to tie her back home (no house, car in her name) she rents given most available and affordable housing in one of the worlds biggest cities for single people is mostly tenant based. Also lack of employment ties supposedly but really she gave them bucket loads of data for that and we don’t think they even looked. A lot of single females from third world or even “problem” countries are begin denied unfairly we have been finding out on social media, news, etc.

divine1966: As for me going to the Philippines I have been flat out told by my family it is too dangerous there and they will try to stop me in any way they can. Hence trying for South Korea and neutral ground. My mother doesn’t want me talking to anyone online. This certainly isn’t the first time she has called someone a scammer or boogieman. I live in an area with a lot of tourism for part of the year and mostly seniors and retirement homes the rest of the year and they all hate technology and tech culture. No one should date online my mother thinks.

Divine1966 the “issue" is my family doesn’t want me going anywhere to meet her alone, or ideally have her come here without any of us going anywhere. They don’t trust her at all and think she is a scam artist. I am trying to not cut ties with my family over my girlfriend as my mother really has no other supports but my brother and I for likely the remainder of her life and her health is getting worse over time. I am trying not to lose my girlfriend while appeasing my family to abate their fears little by little, but my girlfriend can’t wait forever and their abuse is getting to her. Does that sum it up? I know my first post is long but has detail between all the ranting.