Don't forget - you're not alone. Most of us here on PC, often feel just like you do. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's not. Don't worry about posting as much or as little as you want, we'll read it. My advice for the moment, having been in your shoes too, is that it looks like a lot of your worries are very external - family, past, no one listening, etc. - and you could benefit quite a lot from a nice break. Do what you can to spend some time alone (don't forget to mention it to people, so they don't interrupt), and figure out what it is beth16 wants from beth16.

If that seems glib, it probably is. None of us are going to magically wake up better, but the first step is the hardest. If you don't feel comfortable with psych help, continue posting here - verbalizing often helps. I don't know your family, but if I had to guess, if they saw that you were indeed hurting, they would take you seriously. A shoulder to cry on is the most wonderful thing in the world.

I sympathize with you, beth. And for the record, I think the most challenging route is the most rewarding route nearly all the time, but it doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to make your route challenging*.

(hug)

* own experience anecdote alert - I don't really get along well with my stepfather. He's not abusive or anything, it's just that we don't have anything in common, he's somewhat more boisterous than I am, and such things. Sometimes he asks me if I want to go out to eat with him. He likes me, and wants to connect I guess. My first instinct is to say "forget it". I don't like leaving the house, so it's typically really important things that make it seem "worth it". And if I do leave, I like to be with someone I trust when I do. So anyway, he asked last night, and I thought "forget it", and then I thought about the sort of thing you were saying. You know "anything rewarding is hard", "try to do things you don't like to do and see how they are", etc. I'm not good with the phrasing, but you know what I mean. So I said OK. And it sounds kind of trite, but it was actually not nearly as awful as I thought it'd be. The food was good, which helps, but the conversation wasn't too bad, either. I have to remember that for next time. Just an example of what I mean. It doesn't have to be life-changing situations we're talking about, just incremental adjustments. =)