T session last night. I had a PDOC appointment before T. It was supposed to be at five but I didn't end up seeing PDOC until almost 5:45 PM. Since my appointment with T was at six I was getting a bit nervous that I was going to miss part of T's session but it worked out. T came out and got the Mom (I assume) of another client, and she saw me and she told me, "I'll be with you in a minute." Or something like that. So I nodded.


T came out and got me just a few minutes later. She had to go to the ladies room so I sat in her office. I was getting really freaked out because I was planning on telling her about some traumatic events from my early childhood. She came in and took my paperwork, and then asked me how I was. I told her I was feeling a little depressed and having some anxiety. She asked me, "How's it going?" But she sort of had her hand extended out from her body at a weird angle so I assumed she meant, "How is the SH going?" So I asked her to clarify. She said, "Well, I meant, life, but yes, that too." So I told her I had SH-ed three times since I had seen her including that morning. She just wrote it down in her notes.


She asked me what I was feeling when I had SH-ed and I said I was feeling anxious and depressed. She asked me what I was anxious about. And I said, about getting hurt and being vulnerable. She didn't get that I meant being vulnerable with her so she sort of went off on a tangent that in life sometimes we feel good about our interactions with others and sometimes we get our feelings hurt especially if we are sensitive souls like I am. I kind of took that the wrong way, like I'm too sensitive. But I tried not to be reactive about it. I tried to reframe it and think about it from her position. I don't think she meant it in a hurtful way, I was just already feeling wounded and it sort of piled on. So I was able to move forward from that pretty quick.

T asked me what I was fearful of? And I replied being hurt. And T again sort of said that it's part of life.


So I took more of the reins and said that I was anxious about telling her about some traumatic things in my childhood. T didn't say anything, so I continued and I told her x,y,z about the trauma. T still didn't say anything. So I talked a little more about the anxiety and I could feel myself dissociating a bit. I was focusing on her pen and when I do that I can make everything else sort of disappear in the room.


T asked me where I was. I said, "I just went away for a bit." T said, "Okay." Or "Just checking." She asked me that a few times during the session and that was her response after. She said she knew someone that said, "I was just popping out." And I said, that sounded very British.

We talked about my religion. How primarily it is helpful but it is not always helpful when it comes to the hallucinations. I have a Bishop (hallucination) who comes to see me who is very critical. I have a black dog (hallucination) that bites me. She seemed to think it was a little dog and might have some cute aspects. I was like, it is not cute. T asked me what it would take for me to feel safe? Maybe because I had just watched Downton Abbey over the weekend, I was like, "A castle?" T said, "And it would have a moat?" I said yes. And guards. T asked me if I could think about escaping into the castle when the dog came? I said it might work but sometimes I have trouble thinking when I am hallucinating. Thinking clearly that is. Then T asked me if I could imagine myself as being equal to other people. How I tend to put everyone else's needs, desires, preferences etc. over mine. She asked me about what I was thinking about when I was a child and the trauma stuff was happening. And I was like, "To not upset my Mom. That I wouldn't tell because my Mom overreacted. I knew that it was wrong and I constantly made myself sick to the point of throwing up over it, but the thought did not occur to me to tell my Mom because of the way my Mom reacted to things." I thought it was interesting that she didn't ask me what it felt like as a child going through some trauma stuff. But what I was thinking about. She asked me if I could practice thinking of myself as equal to other people, not worse than.

She asked me if I felt better having told her about the trauma stuff. I said no. She asked me what response I was looking for from her that I didn't get. I said I didn't know. Which was true. I just knew the non response was not the one I was looking for. T said I have been through a lot and that there have been lots of occasions where people hurt me and that I tried very hard for a very long time to keep my head above water. T asked me if I realized that. I said no. T asked me again if I felt better having told her about the trauma. I said no. I think today I do feel a little better about telling her but at the time I didn't. I was pretty dissociated so I was pretty cut off from my feelings anyway. And I was having trouble thinking.

We talked some more about the hallucinations. I said how sometimes I get confused over whether they are real or not, but how not all of them are tormenting to me. We talked about one who I frequently get mixed up with real or not real who I call the White Queen. She is nice, a big bumbly, I always think she's going to protect me but she doesn't, but it's more that she can't than that she won't. T said if the black dog was in a dream, it would symbolize some animalistic part of me that didn't get needs met, was angry, and hurting. At least I'm pretty sure that is what she said. I was having trouble staying put in my head. T asked me how long I stay in a dissociated state. I said it depended. I had SH-ed that morning so likely I would be dissociated somewhat until the next morning after I slept.


She asked me if I was okay to drive home. I said I had a cold drink in the car (which actually was lukewarm because I had been there for over two hours) and I would put the air conditioning on high. I told T I would see her on the 4th or 5th. It actually took me quite a while to get home so I might still have been more dissociated than I thought. I left at 7:17 and didn't make it home until 7:45 PM.


I guess the appointment was okay. I don't know what response I wanted from T regarding the trauma stuff but that wasn't it. She did tell me that I'm very strong. She said I might not feel strong (true) but that I am. I guess that was good. We spent more time than I had anticipated on the hallucinations. I told her I don't tell the psychiatrist about them, only the audio ones. T asked why not? I didn't tell her why not, but it's because PDOC likes me (not in a sexual way just like a person way) and I don't want him thinking anything bad about me. So I gloss over some stuff with him that I shouldn't. And I know that. They work in the same office so I wonder if T will tell him. When I went to bed last night, the black dog came and was biting me (hallucination). I couldn't feel the bites or anything more of a sensation. So I sort of wonder if that was part of me that was upset with having told a secret and was trying to punish me or something.


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