I am so sorry that you are struggling. It can’t be easy. I know you said divorce is not feasible (why if I may ask?) but how about separation? It sounds like your husband is also unhappy in addition to being a difficult person.

I don’t know how old you are but most certainly this isn’t your only chance and you haven’t blown it. Not at all. Your chance of having a content life (single or with a partner) is absolutely out there.