Yesterday was a down day for me. I'm not keeping the place very tidy. But it was not a disaster. I been keeping the kitchen in good shape. Got the fridge cleaned out very nicely yesterday. Organized a cabinet I use a lot.

But a surface in the living room that happens to be right in my bf's line of view has a pile of clutter that's been there a while. With the kitchen more under control, I was planning on working in the livingroom. After giving my guy a shave, I sat down for a bit. So he started complaining about the cluttered surface near him. I know it's hard for him to look at it. But he just harped on it too much. So I went on strike and stopped caring about getting anything done here today.

I decided to stay in the bedroom and just amuse myself online. Usually I keep him company and talk to him a lot - to keep him oriented to reality. If I don't, his dementia escalates. But today I made myself scarce. Sooooo . . . . . he started hallucinating. Yup. Now, if I deprive him of sufficient psychic stimulation, he hallucinates.

This was not an act. He did not will this. It was real. The content was somewhat paranoid. And it was real to him. So now I can't go off in a corner and sulk when I'm mad. I have to keep him engaged, mentally . . . or . . . he will start hallucinating. Then I get scared that I might not be able to being him back.

This didn't start yesterday. It's happened a few times. But now the pattern is clear. If I absent myself from his presence to show that I am unhappy about something, I risk tumbling him into frank psychosis. Then I have that to deal with.

I took a double dose of Ritalin and some hydrocodone to try and counteract my demoralization. It actually helped. Now I'm trying sleep deprivation to reboot my system.

I'm sorry now I didn't go to bed hours ago. Being over-tired is making my tinnitus sound very weird. Since 2011, I've had worsening tinnitus. I hear my own pulse, which changes when I am awake too long. I wonder if some of my stress doesn't come from this constant noise in my head. I better put the bedroom TV on to drown it out. I better take my meds and maybe have some wine, cheese and crackers.

A social worker and care coordinator are coming tomorrow. I'll be a mess like the living room. I'll feel embarrassed. Maybe I should just say, "Well, Ladies, as you can see, I can no longer cope."

My bf and I are both becoming psychotic. I did so well for a few years. Is this how it will end? No feeling of pride in a tough job well handled through to its conclusion. Instead, me becoming crazy. The both of us becoming crazy and authorities stepping in. I'll just be a disgraced crazy lady who fell apart trying to handle what became too much for her. Now I'm crying. Another failure to add to a life of failing.

It's awful to feel a failure. I see now why some who used to be close to me distanced themselves. They saw the failure pattern. I didn't even realize, until recently, what it was that made them change toward me. I see now why failure drives some people to end their lives. I don't think I'm quite that bad off.

I'll have to figure something out. I think I'll cancel Internet service to this apartment. Maybe then I'll spent more time getting housework done.