I skimmed through your post and just wanted to say I used to be your wife, to my husband. Even to the point of outright cheating on him and neglecting the kids. I had to make the decision myself one day that if I didn't treat my BP with meds and regular therapy that I would lose them. It took him sitting me down and telling me that he can't live this way anymore and he deserved to have a partner who loves him. And deep down I did, and still do.
It's really hard work for both of you, but the way you are able to recognize when you communicate poorly is a huge benefit to your situation.
If you are not happy with your situation then tell her what you need from her. She then has the choice to work with you on a compromise, or not. But having BP is not an excuse to treat your loved ones, including small children in such a way. And she is so lucky (as am I ) to have a partner who wants to help her help herself.
Hope this helps, best of luck.