I haven't posted here or come on here for ages. I'm never sure how to do the trigger warning cut thing - I've tried to be vague but this is probably triggering.

For the past two months or so I've been on a downward spiral. Started off with a few days of anxiety over a relationship, and then a few weeks of terrible sleep, and has spiralled into severe depression. I have been able to keep up the appearance of being ok - part time job, parents etc - but have spoken to my therapist and my friends know.

I'm not sure if people know that meme... "trying to be honest with my therapist but not so honest that she involuntarily hospitalises me" .... I kind of feel like that with everyone around me right now. I can talk about how I feel numb and depressed and have urges to relapse on my addictions, but I know if I were to be completely honest, friends would freak out, my therapist would probably want me in hospital asap etc.

I don't want to be in hospital in general but right now is just not a convenient time to be this depressed or get that kind of intensive/invasive help. There were a few family birthdays a few weeks ago, then a relative died quite suddenly, and this week it is my young nephew's birthday and party this coming weekend. I'm just getting so, so, so utterly exhausted trying to talk about what's going on while not causing panic before all this family stuff is over, because I just don't feel like interrupting it with more depression sh**. I keep wanting to tell this to someone but I don't have anyone in real life who I can tell, because obviously they'd all get alarmed.

Right now, tonight, I don't feel unsafe, but there have been many times in the past weeks when I've just wished I would just lose my mind completely, because feeling like this and being aware of it and feeling the pressure of trying to control it is so, so, utterly exhausting and defeating. Like maybe if I lost touch, it wouldn't be such a fight any more. Although I know that's probably rubbish. I'm so, so, so tired of pushing myself through work like a robot, cutting my mind off so that I can do things on automatic and not be paralysed by the numbness and apathy. No matter how many times I get better from depression, it always comes back, and I always end up in this spot, struggling to function and facing hospital. I just feel so alone because I can't say this to anyone, at least until next week when it might be more socially acceptable to have a crisis or whatever.