Hello, I am 24 weeks along in my pregnancy. It has not been easy. I had to leave my job early on due to stress. I tried to cold turkey it without any meds, but unfortunately that failed. Now I am dealing with a lot of crap. They still don't know if I am BPD or Bipolar2 or both or something on that spectrum. All I DO know is right now I'm struggling. And I feel unsupported with my husband even though he thinks he is being supportive. And perhaps he is and im blinded by the hormones and the issues and needing to up my meds.

Before pregnancy I was on Lamictal (200 mg) + Lexapro (10 mg) and feeling pretty good. Now, I am back on 100 mg of Lamictal which seemed to be going well until recently. My peri-natal psych said I might need to go up more b/c when pregnant you get bigger and you also metabolize the meds faster. Which I don't want to because of side effects to my baby. Im trying really hard to tough it out, which is not easy.

I was triggered last night. My husband went away over night for work, like he has to do sometimes, and I thought I was OK while he was gone, but when he came home I was tired and angry and we fought and it escalated to screaming, crying and fighting for a while. Then today I woke up and I couldn't feel my baby moving and freaked out, and went to Dr to get an Ultrasound. (he is OK thank god).

I can't have this kind of $hit happening at my stage and its going to get worse, im going to get bigger in 3rd trimester. Meanwhile, I am dealing w/ the struggles of working from home, being alone all the time, (yet weirdly scared to be with people), trying to add things to my schedule but not so much that I get triggered w/ Anxiety, recently moved to a new place, having complications in my pregnancy and physical discomforts and then the regular stuff in life.

Does it sound like I simply need to up my meds and do more frequent therapy? (oh and I have a new therapist, my old one went on maternity leave). She gave me some goals to try to do some exposure therapy ie: go to coffee shop by myself, join a new moms group in town. These things give me a lot of anxiety. I made a friend on a facebook group in my town, and we were supposed to meet today, but ended up not b/c of my needing the ultra sound.

I feel a bit like damaged goods lately. I want to give my son the best possible start at a great life with a great amazing mom and dad to support him. Im just nervous. My husband can be quite understanding at times, but he's all about equal rights and responsibility. ie: he can't just make the $$ I need to help too. He wants me to be a mom and to only go back to working part-time after baby is 1, which means putting him in daycare at 1 yo part time, which im coming around to (feeling a bit like I don't have a choice to be honest).

When I tried to explain to my husband I might want to stay home, he thought there is no way that can happen and put a stop to it. So, I went and got a job and part of me thinks its to please him, but fortunately for me its a work from home job and optional in office time with a lady who is a new mom herself, so she understands and is willing to work a flexible schedule.

I don't know where on this earth I fit in. I feel like a huge misfit and I am almost 40 years old having my first baby. I am very happy about that, it is giving me so much hope and happiness.

I tried to explain to my husband I am feeling depressed. I don't understand why but I am not getting the answers from him I would expect to. I don't know why. He is more focused on how we can fix that then even considering that it could be him or us. The second I say that, he freaks out b/c im blaming him.

Im going on a rant now. So, if anyone has any insights, I am feeling so alone right now. Like I could be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. I don't know what to do. thank you.