Hello NoH2o: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry your life & your son's life have come to such a desperate place. It's just my personal opinion. Perhaps other PC members will feel differently. But I don't feel it would be appropriate for me, or anyone else here on PC, to be offering you advice on such a serious & potentially final subject.

I believe what you should do is to seek out someone in real life... perhaps a mental health therapist or a clergy person (if you are religious) & talk all of this through with them. One additional option would be to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Here is a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that offers suggestions for surviving suicidal thoughts:

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

My best wishes to both you & your son.