Ok, well I'm taking Mickey's advice and I'm going to keep writing. I've got few friends, and 2 that are men but I've made it clear I just need a bit of time to collect my thoughts, and then figure out what to do from there. I have a cat, things to move, meds to take...etc.
I lost my appetite. I was on a long trip, he wanted me to come along to a wedding. We were staying in a motel, I have not left the situation that I should have before. Yesterday I was helping his family member. I felt a bit better. I seemed happy. The person who should not be mentioned, I have to. Rose I know you don't want to hear about it so just ignore the rest for your sake.
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I've had clues everywhere that I'm not welcome here, yet he said he loved me and wants to work things out, just before we left. He even said "you suggested therapy?", as if he was about to agree. I really believed him all these years when he tells me he loves me and wants to stay together. He'd change his mind and say "I want to break up with you.".... then a while later, but "I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I don't want a relationship with another woman." I love you. Then blame, criticism, ridicule...
Not that I don't have my own problems and have caused a lot of pain I suppose, pain, to him. He's made me so stressed that I can barely sleep. I don't want to eat.
When on this trip to his family members wedding he was very very explosive. He doesn't want me to drive his car, but he did allow me for a while. It can take 12 hours to get there, depending on how far you drive at once.
ONe thing that happened out of the 4 days of panicky feelings, was that, I just asked for him to get me something , waited, he came back after exploding about how "you weren't specific, you said get me anything at all".... and he had a coffee and desserts... not considering that I'm diabetic and he knows I need some sugar but not what he bought. It looked like all he did was think of himself.
He's been like that for years. Not thoughtful. Not considerate of my feelings, or even his own family at times. I love a lot of his family. I care so much about some of them.
I feel like I'm losing my whole life. I have no car now, it became a junker. I'm out of money because I wanted to help my son with his move and he is running out of unemployment unexpectedly.
This is all a huge mistake. I don't take advice well. I don't hear well. He has been showing me in little and big ways, for a long time, that he doesn't love me. I'm down, but I'm going to get back on my feet again... I believe I can do this and I can figure it out. I just need to slow my thoughts down. Typing it out helps.
I did talk it out, I did try to talk things out with him. That is what drove him to anger at me. I have a hard time being quiet when I'm so anxious. I had things up north that got lost on the trip. Sentimental to me or it wouldn't matter. He was a real ***** to me. He didn't consider that I needed time to grab food for the trip that I can eat because of my diabetes. That's my own fault I suppose, but the pressure from him has me on the edge. I'm leaving as soon as I know how and where to go. But I'm so hurt. This is life, same shyte different pile again. Thanks to whoever listens.