Today’s session was interesting. I had my armour on for most of it, which doesn’t usually happen with R.
‘How are you doing today?’
‘Extremely nervous.’
‘Why are you feeling nervous?’
‘Let’s pause there –that is probably the most direct I’ve ever been with you.’
‘Yes.’
‘We were going to start with a piece of writing.’

‘I have that in my diary.’

‘I have been writing throughout the experience, but I have stopped submitting pieces because I wasn’t in a position to handle ‘It’s not personal…not today, thank you.’’
‘I can understand that – if you aren’t feeling good, then that…you might call it rejection is really going to hurt.’
‘I found an opportunity recently for poems on the theme of being seen…and this was the result.’
‘Let me check I’m giving it to you the right way up.’ I handed her the sheet and waited nervously.
‘I don’t know what to say, and that is unusual for me…I’m a bit blown away. Just to check, this is about our relationship?’

‘Yes. I haven’t done anything with it yet, because I don’t want to do anything you are not happy wit. This is sacred ground for me. When I have written in the past, I have no longer been working with the person.’
‘Are you asking my permission?’

‘…Yes.’

‘Absolutely. I would be honoured to be associated with this.’
‘Thank you. I can stop stewing now.’

‘When did you write this?’

‘After that intense one a couple of weeks ago.’

‘You had it there last week, but we didn’t get around to it.’

‘It sounds stupid, but I was worried about infringing your boundaries. Once I showed you this, I was worried it would close a door between us.’

‘Close a door?’

‘End the relationship.’
‘You know I’m not likely to go “It’s not OK to write that!”’

‘I know, but I think that ties into – the words are hard today – my having difficulty in viewing the world as a safe place.’

‘Because you have been hurt?’ R reminded me of the Edith Eger quote she mentioned several sessions ago. ‘What’s the worst that can happen? Can I survive it?’

‘I have a reputation for being the person to pick up the pieces when somebody else’s life goes to ****. When I turned around and said ‘I’m really sorry, I can’t do that at the moment because…’ I did not receive the same support.’ I mentioned the friend I went out for dinner with who gave me a digital stranger danger talk and commented on how other friends knew something was affecting me, but didn’t ask.
‘Is there an “I wish they’d asked?”’

‘Yes. We suffered a collective loss in 2014, and it was decided that somebody else would speak on behalf of the group, because I might get upset.’
‘I get the impression you don’t want to be seen as fragile?’

‘At the moment I am somewhere between fragile and poorly controlled firework.’ R laughed. ‘I feel like I have been playing Whack a Mole for the last week with random surges.’
‘As you face things, like sediment, it will come to the surface.’
I continued to talk about fragility as it related to my experience leading up to Chris’ death. ‘She talked about a surgical procedure…why am I avoiding the words…this is the place where I don’t avoid the words.’

‘Do you want me to move?’

‘Yes please…’

‘I can tell when you look away. There was talk of a surgical procedure…’

‘There was talk of a surgical procedure and another ‘maybe next year’, but I knew. I didn’t say anything ot anybody at that point, because I felt as though saying it would make it real. She said ‘If you visit the board, tell them.’

‘Wow. Did you feel as though there was something different about your other conversations?’

‘Yes, this one seemed much more matter of fact, but I was the first person she’d contacted from the community. I couldn’t do that, so I messaged Jonathan and the info got out that way.’

‘It seems to me that with the kind of relationship you had with Chris, you almost didn’t need words.’
‘We talked about anything and everything, but neither of us could have imagined this.’
I talked about the difficulty of remaining in contact with Francisco, and having to navigate the complexity of their relationship. I loved her, but I think he may have been in love with her.
R talked about her sense that I miss the person I was then as well. We finished on my recognising that I am angry on Chris’ behalf also.
R asked whether I would mind if she shared the poem with her supervisor. I fumbled, but eventually managed to communicate that I wouldn’t.