For what it's worth, I'm sooo grateful to you for bringing this up.

For a long time, I only dreaded the sort of reactions from others that boiled down to any distress or disappointment somehow being my own fault (because I don't try hard enough, because I have unrealistic expectations, because I'm too clueless to see the danger, to spineless to stand up for myself, whatever)

But then, eventually I grew to dread supportive reactions as well. I tend to have much trouble believing them, but if I let people know that then I'm a downer and toxic and attention-seeking and whatnot ... when I joined forums and therapy groups where we would tell each other we're worthy and important etc ... for a while it worked - I thought, great, we're supposed to be supportive of each other, so I could tell myself that if I want to accept this person with similar feelings then I can be more accepting of myself too. But after a while it turned around - instead of it becoming easier to believe these things about myself, they started to get harder to believe when telling them to others ... but I was too scared to tell anyone, because ... that would be being negative, and maybe they'd feel rejected and worthless, and would regret trying to talking to me at all etc ... so I tried to focus on being grateful for the good intent even while part of me wanted to scream at them because HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW, and trying to say the same kind of nice things back and hoping no-one will notice that I don't actually believe what I'm saying ... feeling like a fraud all the while ... then I believed them even less, because maybe others were doing the same, saying those things just because we're supposed to support each other, while feeling bad for questioning their honesty just because I am a fraud and ... I grew to dread those sort of responses as well

It's such a relief that you had the guts to openly address this. And it's also a relief to see such thoughtful responses. Sure, it's a beautiful belief that every human being has an inherent worth, and if someone can hold onto that, like I wish I could, that's great for them, but to me, life tells otherwise.

I have times of relief from these feelings of worthlessness, though - sometimes I contribute to something beautiful, or create somehting that's always too flawed to really be proud of, but still there's a tangible appreciation for it, or manage to do something to make someone else feel better / progress with their goals. And sometimes I just get immersed enough in whatever I'm doing that I don't feel the need to think about whether there's a point and whether it's worth anything. This can be a good thing (finding the 'flow' in meaningful or necessary activities) or not (addictive stuff / compulsive behaviours). On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I wish I could just accept that I'm truly and utterly worthless and then I could finally give up and quit struggling