I know what it's like having your self-esteem dependent on such a high reaching accomplishment. I went through what you're experiencing and was successful but not without immeasurable amounts of misspent youth given over to an unforgiving profession. Believe it or not this is a huge blessing in disguise.

Medicine is a dehumanizing and relentless cruel mistress. What is required is foregoing your formulative adult years being given over in lieu of $300k+ education debt with minimum 6.8% annual compounded interest. For a minimum of 12 to 15 years you will have no money, no time, or both. Forget about maintaining the routine of self-care for treating whatever mood disorder has befallen you. I failed to listen similiar advice given to me, and trudged ahead to a 3.87 GPA, 30 MCAT score (I failed it the first time), & a degree in molecular biology and biochemistry with a minor in Spanish and published research in nanotechnology. These things did yield admission into medical school, but not the corresponding safety security and happiness dangled in front of me in the form of self esteem, and catharsis against all who told me I couldn't do it.

I am a board certified Emergency physician, I completed my Emergency Medicine residency in a well-known hospital in Chicago. I was stunned to find that my personal values far superseded that of my contemporaries in that "do no harm" is not such a high bar after all.

I found myself bullied, marginalized, and abjectly singled out in medicine at least in part due to some of the blessings brought about by my insights into mental illness and lack of treatment amongst medical professionals and the general patient population. A little known fact to many docs, & a dirty little secret in the medical community is that Physicians have the highest rate of suicide per capita then any other profession in the United States. We lose an entire medical school class, (over 200+) to suicide every year. if you calculate an average of 10,000 to 12,000 patients per doctor that we see yearly, it is easy to see the public health ramifications of this.

As a result of having a mood disorder my "noble profession" also makes it a habit to discriminate openly against Physicians who self-report mood disorders, substance abuse, & alcoholism. I myself have been the target of this because I made it a point to stick up for patient care in the state of New Hampshire and because I used the f-word many times against the staff that failed to follow my orders and almost killed a patient I was labeled a "crazy person" by pointing out that in fact which is crazy. In 5his Kafkaesque nightmare, I reported the hospital to CMS, the hospital Association, and smeared their reputation on Google when they threatened to sue me for canceling my contract due to unsafe patient care environment. Stupidly I dug in my heels and thought that I could fight them in court but they retaliated by reporting me to the medical board, who required I got a psych evaluation, during which I disclosed I was treated for ADHD.

Well ladies and gentlemen sound the alarms oh my God there's a doctor that has what is still regarded by many in the profession a weakness to be exploited. Because now through reciprocal action the Illinois state board wants to place my license on probation and they monitor my private mental health care indefinitely.

I have no substance abuse or alcohol abuse issues, I did not threaten nor raise a hand in violence, I had no prior issues with my medical license. There was no internal investigation or peer review at this hospital and the chief medical officer at the time was also the president of the New Hampshire Medical Society. This was the same lady that I called a "f...n b...h" when she threatened to sue me. To be fair had I known she who she was I probably would not have said that. And the allegation that I was "unprofessional" especially in that particular moment was in fact quite true. I got mad because their staff almost killed a patient, and I feel that that was something to get mad about. I'm really not even that sorry I called her what I did. However, this event in 2015 sparked a still ongoing fight against the Illinois medical board mental health discrimination that to this day I still have difficulty with gaining employment and paying bills. I often wonder why I'm trying to save a career that has really never brought me much happiness anyway.

So you see Silvertrees, getting into medical school is not the panacea of exaltation young minds tend to elevate this accomplishment to. In fact I would pay all of the $300,000 at 6.8% interest to change places with you and listen to me tell you to find something else that allows you the opportunity to find a more fulfilling and worthwhile endeavor than the corporatized, over-regulated, bureaucracy of modern medicine. In exchange, you get self-care, time with friends and loved ones, and a larger opportunity for self-determination. Good luck and my highest thoughts and prayers go to you finding your ultimate expression of love and healing.

-Dr G

For anybody interested in verifying the facts of my situation message me & I will gladly provide facts.