Trigger because post mentions sexual abuse and abuse in general..

Hi. I'm Katie, and I usually hang around in the Dissociative Disorders / Schizophrenia forums.. But anyways.. I thought this post was more appropriate here than at the Dissociative one.

Anyway. I, like many others, have a biological father. (Oh how I wish he wasn't.) He's had an alcohol problem for 15 years.. And I guess that's one of the reasons why I have DID. (Or suspect that I have. I can't think of it being anything else, it just makes perfect sense)'

Once, when drunk, he confessed to his friend that he had sexually abused me as a child. What a sicko. To a friend. I wonder why this friend hasn't reported him to the police or so. Unless this friend was with my father.... I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to remember. I do remember some things.. But I'm not sure if those are real memories, those memories date back to where I was still an infant.

Very sick. I hate him to the core, but still somehow, he's my father, and my mother sticks with him, so... I guess I want to try to keep this family together. Though it is quite dysfunctional to say the least. I always try to please my parents even though I get nothing in return.. Just get treated bad.

Now, my father's drunk and he was obviously jealous about me being with my boyfriend and tried to get details about our sexual activities. Again, very sick. My father's a 65 year old man. Also, he tried to hint that it was not okay to for example, have a shower with him, what the heck, I'm a grown woman and I can decide who I want to shower with.

I wonder if that's normal for a father to ask?? I don't think it is. But somehow he seems to justify every wrong thing he does.. And I'm left.. Being wrong again.

I'm just... Very sick of this... And I'm too embarrassed to tell my T about this. She thinks my biggest problem is overcoming psychosis. It was, but now, things are different. I can't even bring my boyfriend to my house anymore because I'm afraid my father will say something. He only says things when he's drunk, but you never know when he's drunk or not.

Argh, I want to get out of here but can't until September. Even that is unsure. I'm working on my application to an university in Sweden and I really hope I do get there. And once again I keep thinking what my parents will say, how will I explain this crazy idea... I can't help it, it's how I've been taught to think. It's going to take a while for me to realise even my opinions can be right..

I keep telling myself that I don't need to be treated bad. And I don't need people who treat me bad.. But it just doesn't work.

I'm pretty clueless.. I feel bad out of here, and I feel bad here. The only times I don't feel bad are when I'm with my boyfriend, and I get to see him during weekends only.

Hoping for time to pass faster..

Sorry this turned into a long ramble.. I can't think straight right now so I apologise for anything that was left unclear.. Feel free to ask if there's anything that needs clarification. Also apologies for the spelling mistakes or missing words. Thanks for reading. I guess I just needed to vent. I feel a bit better.

Katie