Hey, I'm new to this place, but I certainly am trying to relate.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 15. Had a difficult time growing up and finding my "identity". A lot of kids and even teachers were very harsh to me especially towards my sexuality. When I was 9, I was open about liking other boys and for a good 7-8 years, I found myself becoming distant to other men in general out of fear of rejection, and I still do to this day...

Until my late teens, I loved spending time... alone... and I created a bit of own world that couldn't sustain itself over time. I did find a partner in a guy that loves me dearly, yet has a tendency to put me down at times. My mood, libido and my emotions began to cycle in my mid 20's and at first, I accepted it as just being flat out depressed. I figured that this was what everyone goes through when they're stressed out, but then I noticed that there no triggers at all sometimes.

I was diagnosed with cyclothymia 3 years ago, but now I've been dealing with alcohol adventures and marijuana as calming agents. There is still a pattern of feeling, in my opinion, hypomanic, with longer bouts of depressions that I can recall. When I feel uplifted, I am very kind and big hearted person that likes to laugh and make other people smile. I do feel energized and I can go to sleep at 3am to wake up at 7am, something I did plenty of in high school...

When depression hits, it hits hard. Right now I'm a bit sad but not completely overtaken by anything. My libido is a bit off, which concerns me now at this stage. Maybe I'm getting older (28), but 4-5 days of feeling empty downstairs is way too long in my book. I would consider myself to be hypersexual when everything is working fine. I always beg to find the ultimate climax, and I go hours on end to get that feeling. I resort to a bit of roleplay and disconnecting from myself... and creating a persona that I can manipulate.

Anywho, lately I am trying to find a therapist that will accept my insurance. I haven't been able to control my emotions lately. Monday, a co-worker of mine told me that one of our "friends" has stage 4 bowel cancer that's spread. This is a good friend me and her have known for a few years. He's been the one that comes over and jokes around even if the wall was crumbling. I hit the skids, drank and blacked-out for the first time, but I have not let the bottle take control again.

A part of me needs the psychotherapy, but I am skeptical about meds. I gained a lot of weight on Lamotrigine and Wellbutrin. Plus, I turned into a complete zombie, unable to sense happiness or sadness. While it helped, I couldn't recognize my true colors in the midst of mental fog. Part of me is scared but almost open again to new opinions.

I hope that by sharing, maybe somebody can relate and not feel entirely alone. We are the captains of our own journey, and just because this was bestowed upon us, doesn't mean we can't take control. There are sometimes where I wish others could understand how I feel. To this day, I still have PTSD from the way other guys have mistreated me, abused me and have violated me in ways to hurt me. At my lowest point, this become my central weakness... the ultimately crying point. I can acknowledge the damage now, but at the lowest low it can make me cry a river.