Saw Amy again today. She was wearing a summery dress, and I realized on the walk back to her office that she has a fairly old-looking green tattoo on her upper back. It looked like maybe a sun? It reminded me of the time I thought I saw a tattoo (or maybe it was a tag?) on Liz's back through her sort of gauzy blouse and asked her about it. She had instinctively reached back as if to tuck a tag in, but she seemed a little caught off guard and was clearly not going to share whether she had any body art. She switched seamlessly into wondering what it would mean if she did have a tattoo, and I immediately lost interest. Remembering this awkward interaction from several months ago, I decided not to say anything to Amy. I would actually be incredibly surprised if strait-laced Liz had any tattoos, but I can kind of see Amy having had some wild, impulsive days in her youth.

I sat down on the love seat, right in the middle next to the pillow with the little triangle pattern. I told Amy that I have been wanting to see Liz again and that I went as far as scheduling an appointment. (It has been three weeks since I last saw Liz, and she didn't have any openings for another three weeks.) I told her that Liz had emailed me when she confirmed the appointment and said that she would be happy to see me again if I had talked to Amy about it and if I felt I was ready to go back. It was a little infantilizing but maybe worth asking. I told Amy that I feel conflicted because some people I really trust have been strongly discouraging me from going back to Liz. I said, "I feel like one of those people who is in an abusive relationship, where everybody else is like, 'Giiiiirl, you need to stay away from that person who is hurting you!' And I am responding by defending Liz and saying, 'No, no, you don't understand, sometimes it's really good and she can be so nice to me....'" Amy said, "Do you feel like you have a really solid grasp on what is going on between you and Liz?" I kind of laughed ruefully and said definitely not. She said that the other people in my life are responding to the pain I am in and the feelings that I am able to share with them but that she [Amy] thinks the feelings are mostly a reactivation of childhood trauma. She said it certainly isn't okay that I am being hurt like this, but it doesn't necessarily mean that my relationship with Liz is abusive. I had that uncomfortable confused feeling because it is difficult to get good advice when nobody can really understand how such a private relationship is functioning. Amy re-iterated that if we can clear up the earlier trauma that is "stuck," I will be in a better place to manage what is actually going on with Liz in the present. This is basically the same thing Amy told me last week, but it was reassuring to feel like I am not totally self-destructive by wanting to go back to Liz. I don't feel comfortable being this attached to Liz, but it kind of is what it is.

Amy said that if I want to clear out some of the earlier things, maybe we should move in that direction. This is where I took a notebook out of my bag with a 14-item list entitled "Times My Feelings Were Denied or Dismissed." I had made it over two years ago when I was trying to make sense of whether I had been emotionally neglected as a child (hard yes, as it turns out), but it seemed like it might have some good target memories for EMDR. For most of the session, Amy read the list aloud and I briefly explained each incident. It was clear that certain ones were more painful than others. When I would tear up or shut down, she would ask about what core beliefs the memory activated and where I felt things in my body. The two most promising incidents were also two of the oldest memories (which is to say, from the youngest ages).

Somewhere in here, I asked if EMDR is like Tinkerbell, where I have to believe in it for it to be a real thing. I still feel skeptical. She said she never really got into Peter Pan, which I pretended to be shocked and offended by. (I was obsessed with our VHS tape of the Mary Martin version of Peter Pan when I was a kid.) She said that she once had a client who was working through a single-episode traumatic event and cognitively understood it wasn't her fault but couldn't quite match that up with the emotions she was having. Amy said that they were able to clear up the emotional reaction with a single session of EMDR, even though the client admitted afterward that she has been really skeptical the whole time. Amy said, "The part of you that is a little wary is an important part -- it is the smart, skeptical scientist. That part is likely to get in the way a bit because it will pull you out of the moment, like, 'What is this EMDR thing? Is it even going to work?' So we will have to notice that reaction and then kind of let it step aside." I said, "At least I am being honest about my skepticism, right?" She agreed that it was a good thing. (Side note: Have I mentioned that I love all this validation she offers? Because I really do love all this validation.)

We made it all the way through the list right as time ran out. While I pulled out my phone to schedule, I mentioned that I had also written some things about the different "parts" (non-DID) to my personality, which she had suggested a few weeks ago. She seemed pleased that I had done that, so I guess we might talk about that next time. Amy suggested meeting twice next week so we can gear up for EMDR. (I think she is sensing my impatience.) So I will be seeing her on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon next week. I am not sure what is left to do before she pulls out her weird little light bar, but I think discussing coping strategies for between sessions will be part of it. Things are apparently about to get much worse before they get better, but I think I am ready to go for it.

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