Yes, I must agree with the wise, wonderful amandalouise, @ProactivX. Please definitely schedule an appointment with a good doctor or psychiatrist. They'll be able to help, certainly better than we can do here. Please be kind to yourself. Remember that it's for your own good. I am DEEPLY SORRY that you're struggling SO MUCH! Feel free to PM me anytime. I can't diagnose you but I can listen. I'm sure plenty of others will listen as well. KEEP FIGHTING, MY AWESOME, DEAR, KIND AND SWEET FRIEND! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and your family, ProactivX!