Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't think there was lots more background. Of course there was/is.

It's true that we come to marriage/adults with all the baggage and stuff we had as kids, interesting your husband hadn't realized that he too is such a bag :-) I'm just sensitive to the blame-it-on-the-parent thing as it's also the child's personality and what they notice/don't notice and how they "are" that affects their life.

And grownups act on other grownups. I was amazed at some of the things I had to work on with my husband based on what his wife had convinced him of and I can see (having had a boatload of therapy :-) ways that I'm influencing my husband badly. He used to be much more patient and "comfortable" in ways that over 20+ years my "ordering" him around (thanks stepmother for teaching me that!) have driven him to become more short-tempered and argumentative at times.

I assume your husband wants to stop yelling at the kids and stop affecting them with porn? For me, reassurance rather than apology would have helped me more as a child. People get angry and do wrong things and parents are human. I'd want to know they loved me and it wasn't about me (my parents use to argue and my stepmother said that I almost caused them to get divorced -- as my T pointed out, a child is in no way responsible for the parents marriage so I would have liked my stepmother to have known that and reassured me on that level). My stepmother apologized over and over which was somewhat helpful but I would have liked to have understood it "wasn't me". I took on blame where I probably shouldn't have. My stepmother wasn't "human"/like me to me. Scary dreams for me always mean I don't understand something "right".

I wish he'd apologize to you too, that would be great. Sorry it's not likely to happen.